Dear Boris Johnson, I’ve Had A Couple Of Thoughts…

… And I’d like to I share them with you. I don’t know much about running a country, or how to get out of the EU, or what to do about the NHS. But I do know a few other things which I think you might find useful.

One of the things I know about is hats and what a remarkable force for good they can be. Very often when I go out and about in my best hats, people stop and comment on how nice they are and ask where I got them. A good hat is an excellent conversation starter between perfect strangers and also offers marvellous opportunities for polite discourse. Not only am I able to pass on details of my milliner – an independent trader, thereby stimulating the local economy – I am able to return a similar extolment to my new friend, perhaps complimenting their jumper / blouse / interesting scars. We both part in significantly better spirits and go about our day cheered and possibly more productive than we might have been, had we not engaged in our mutually beneficial pleasantries.

What I am suggesting is this. At your earliest convenience you should introduce what must surely be known as the Lovely Hat Allowance to every household in Britain. Imagine the benefits of everyone wearing a lovely hat. It would smarten the place up a bit, for one thing. Not only that, everyone up and down the country would have the benefit of the wholesome encounters outlined above. There is no doubt that the widespread introduction of lovely hats would bring about immediate reforms in character and decorum, not to mention elevated mood, which has proven benefits to health, productivity and crime reduction. (Probably)

Access to sensible trousers is something that you overlook at your peril. I am a strong supporter of apparel of all types, sensible or otherwise, but sensible trousers are crucial to important things like job interviews, formal occasions and appearances in court. Local authorities must be compelled to find room in their budgets for Sensible Trouser Facilities, easily accessible to the community at large, for the good of the local people.

Finally, it would be in the interest of your government to set up the Ministry for Common Sense. It will be run mostly by people’s Nans and will deal with all the silly, time-wasting nonsense that pervades modern life. The Nans can scour the statutes of the land and revise and amend as they see fit, thereby streamlining legislature to make things more efficient. No doubt they will introduce their own insightful wisdom into law, and people will no longer Go Out With Wet Hair (no more people Catching Their Deaths) and will Eat Up Their Crusts in order to get curly hair, eliminating the need for toxic chemicals to achieve bouncy tresses. The Ministry for Common Sense will also incorporate the Department for Not Putting The Heating On, run by Dads who will organise an extensive public information campaign about the importance of Putting On A Jumper.

As you can see, my proposals will save millions of pounds across all areas of government and have untold benefits to every aspect of everyday life. Also, if you do not do these things, I may be forced to enter politics myself and oust your from Number 10 at the next general election, which will probably be next week, or something. Consider yourself robustly advised.


Brazier, L.

*Disclaimer – Look, I know the country faces far bigger issues than this and I realise that flippancy and humour has been all but outlawed from modern thought. This is a bit of light relief. God knows, we need it. *

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