The right hand man of Senior Bursar – who collects the money – Junior Bursar is the slightly sinister other half of the Bursary who has the happy job of spending the money. As the Fellow with the responsibility of overseeing the teams of College Servants, Junior Bursar always has a beady eye trained on the Porters’ Lodge, and on Head Porter in particular. Very little escapes his attention and he takes especial delight in uncovering even the slightest wisp of misbehaviour.
Junior Bursar first came to Old College as a narrow-kneed undergraduate, with nothing but a keen mathematical mind and a ferocious appetite for academic excellence. His devotions to both Old College and his studies bought him entry to The Fellowship soon after completing his PhD, and proprietorship of the purse strings swiftly followed. Such an alacritous ascent may seem surprising in an institution such as Old College, but it is rumoured that Junior Bursar has ancestral underpinnings stretching right back to the very foundations of College itself – and Old College loves nothing more than its own illustrious heritage.
Junior Bursar is a slight man of advancing years, who exudes machiavellian malice from every pore. He seems to warm a little towards Deputy Head Porter, however he takes a stance of bemused spite towards her unlikely association with The Dean. Junior Bursar has long held an active dislike of Head Porter, which can be almost callous at times – although there are complex machinations behind this malevolence that make his attitude at least partly justified.
It’s not all bad news where our bothersome bean-counter is concerned, though. Junior Bursar is rather keen on a party and he steadfastly refuses to engage with The Committee For The Prevention Of Drunken Behaviour. One very much gets the impression that there is something of a mischievous side to Junior Bursar that he has become very adept at concealing.
Lucy Brazier 
Right so I’m actually quite tempted to buy this book even though I have no money…which college did you work at?
I am very flattered, but why not wait until it comes out in paperback then shoplift it?
I have always said that I won’t reveal the identity of the real Old College myself, although scurrilous media types have already named it. All I will say, is it’s in Cambridge and it isn’t King’s.
What a princely idea! Thievery, of course…
And you must be doing something right if you’ve come into contact with scurrilous media types! Well I will abide by your wishes and not even work out at which college you worked…
It probably still counts as a sale and thievery is becoming more of a necessity in these fiscally unstable times.
Oh please do work it out – but because I said I wouldn’t name the College, I feel that I personally shouldn’t. A man’s word is his bond, you know – even if that man is a woman.
Ok, I’ll work it out, but I’m not shoplifting, I’m not a teenager anymore, but I won’t wait until the fourth edition either! What does a woman’s word count for? If that woman is a man?
I admire your law-abiding nature. Once I get some author copies perhaps I could send you one. I’ll write a rude message in it, too.
Hmm – it is a tricky one, that. If a woman is a man, that could make you doubt her word as she isn’t what she says she is. But then again, in this day and age anyone can be anything and it’s pretty much okay. I would suggest having a large gin and forgetting all about it.
I can add it to my other blogger signed book! It’s Arthur’s funnily enough…no rudeness though so it’ll be nice to branch out.
I think you’re right, we have a night porter – these porters – at the hotel who is a woman in a man’s body and you can’t believe a word he says! So bring on the gin! 🙂
‘Bring on the gin’ is a phrase that is a delight to one’s ears at any time of the day or night. I shall begin contemplating rudeness at once…
I’ve already started…and I shall also begin rummaging down the backs of any sofas I come across today, I shall make a special trip to dfs.
Sounds like a plan. I do admire someone who has such structure to their lives. You are an inspiration!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAJAJJDNBDKDUHEGHSKHCHBDVUSHHVDBKCUEHZJZXUHEH!!!!!!!!! Sorry I had a sight coughing fit there…
I think you need another gin, my good man.
I haven’t even had my first one yet…and there’s none in the house…and the car’s buggered…and the shop’s shut…and my ice has all melted…oh woe is me…
Blimey, things do sound bad. I’d get to Dfs and start rummaging around in the sofas if I were you. Why is the shop shut, I wonder? These are bad times. You should come over and rummage my sofa.
Oh I couldn’t possibly come and rummage in your sofa, that would be tantamount to stealing, I simply cannot…and the shop is closed because of a bomb scare; who’d’ve thought that the spa was such a strategic target?
I seem to be encouraging a lot of crime today, not sure what is wrong with me. Perhaps I have some sort of unrealised criminal urge within me. I tell you, those Spars can be hotbeds of nefarious activity. But they are open late and stock a reasonable array of products, so I am sad that someone might want to bomb one. You don’t want to have to end up going to the Co-op instead.
You’re possibly meant to be some kind of criminal kingpin boss type person. And yes, fuck the co-op! The spar never used that slogan I sent them…strange…
Yes, I think that’s probably it. When I work out my crime speciality, I’ll let you know. It’s probably to do with smuggling.
Odd behaviour from the Spar, sounds very much like their sort of thing to me. Now I have serious suspicions that perhaps the Co-op is behind this bomb threat…
Smuggling definitely, you’ve got smuggler written all over you; that’s something you’ll have to rectify really, otherwise you’ll get caught pretty sharpish…smuggling contraband in sofas! This stuff writes itself…
And I think you’re right about the co-op; they’ve got all the ingredients for a bomb just sitting on their shelves!
Maybe I’ll grow a beard or something. That’ll make me look less ‘smuggler-y’.
They have the motivation, too – the Spar is way better and they know it!!
Fucking co-op….excuse my language, they just make me so mad!
On a lighter note, beard growth… I’m not so sure; I think you should aim to own the role of the female smuggler!
They are the SCUM of the convenience store, I tell you! No language is too bad for them. Bastards.
Do you think I could pull it off? I’ve got some old cargo trousers from the 90s with the big pockets, they would be great for smuggling.
I think you’d be great at pulling it off..you’d make a superb smuggler too! Cargos would garner instant respect from your fellow creed, would you need an eye patch or is that going too far?
I’m thinking of ditching this writer lark to take up smuggling, you know. I think an occasional eye patch could work – good for disguises and whatnot. But I don’t want to raise suspicion by looking too pirate-y.
Or Gabrielle-y! Occasional eye patch it is then, no voice changes, you can always do a bit of writing while you wait for your shipments to come in…just what to smuggle?
I think diamonds. They are quite small and nice and sparkly. Or bacon! Because I love bacon.
Bacon smuggler…of course I’ll join you on the high seas! the salty highways! the briney b roads!…if of course you’ll have me…
Oh absolutely, come along. The more the merrier where bacon smuggling is concerned. We could branch out into sausages, too, if it is successful. Shiver me timbers!
Sausage smuggler has rude connotations though……count me in! Oh to shiver your timbers!
Would it be taking it too far to name our smugglers ship The Good Ship Venus? We could sing the song and everything. Then – timber shivering!
I don’t believe in taking it too far, especially with regards to the naming of a bacon smuggling ship! And all the timber shivering that’ll come along afterwards.
I have totally wasted my life writing. I should have been a bacon smuggler all along. Thank goodness I realised before it was too late. I feel that I have you to thank, Mr Babbage.
I should be thanking you! Never too late for an 82 year old and a 74 year old to join forces and conquer the world of bacon! We’ll be rich god damn it! RICH!!!!!!
Hurrah! I’ll meet you at Southampton and we’ll steal the best-looking boat we can find and then off to rob the seven seas of all its bacon! WE WILL BE AS GODS!!!!!
I’m not afraid to admit that a little bit of wee came out then…
I admire a man who can admit that. Shows character.
That’s not what the nurses say…
Bollocks to them. It happens to Martin all the time.
But they torment me with splinters and chilli powder…
Best get on the smuggling ship asap then, chap. We can’t have that!
a gracious reappraisal, if I may be so bold, perhaps temper with a natural anxiety over possible litigation. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I thank you kindly, your words are very much appreciated. Have a super day 🙂
& Vi Subversa
A much missed lady.
Indeed