PorterGirl gets its first ever sex scene!
Don’t worry, we aren’t about to witness Head Porter wearing nothing but his sock suspenders, getting up to mischief with a wayward Bedder. The staff of Old College are notoriously uptight when it comes to matters below the waist. But original Old College keeper of keys, Humphrey Babthorp, proves by way of his secret diary that Porters were not always quite so averse to a little bit of how’s-your-father, in this excerpt from up-coming PorterGirl novel, The Vanishing Lord…
(Mum, don’t read this. I’ll only have to explain it to you later anyway.)
12th December 1448
Never didst I think that I would owe so much to the wayward wick of a candlestick maker! Whenst I first did first findeth him in mine bed with mine bedswerver of a lady Lettice – o! Did mine heart break. But sincetimes as the good Maud Carneby from the kitchens led me astray upon the chopping table I tell thee that forsooth I have not been happier. Only this morrow whenst I did visit the kitchens to check upon the catches and latches, I did findeth her in the all-together, sprawled like a prime cut of brisket upon the sideboard with legs a-pointing to the east and west and a clear invitation to make a journey down south. There was much of a-giggling and a-squirming as I took close council with her lady-bacon and her plentiful dumplings did shudder allways in the tumult. They are more than a handful for any man, I tellst thee, but I have two hands and a determined disposition which served me well in such circumstances. Maud is of the demanding type of womenfolk that likes her meat well roasted so I did no more than to place her on my spit like a suckling boar and roast away across the tabletop until her squeals and shouting made sound as such would waketh the dead. Why, it would not surprise me if poor Ralph Eels hisself was woken from the afterlife by her calamitous roarings. I did not stop with the roasting until she was basted good and proper – inside and out! I never did see to the catches and latches and I didst find mineself in need of creative falsehoods when Gunby didst ask me about them. The good Lord doest not look kindly on those that forswear with their tongues but there is truth in the matter that my tongue was put to good use and I didst give other things a seeing to, if not the catches and latches…
Lucy Brazier 
Oh my days! I laughed so much reading this – it was almost Carry On Medieval like. But I have to say if it was translated to modern words I would be hot and filthy! 😉
Hurrah! Carry On Medieval was just what I was going for 🙂 I’m not sure I have a future in the erotica market, but this was bloody good fun 🙂
You fit it on the head (excuse the pun), I don’t know what it was you did, but you turned the act of sin into this thing that was funny in the carry on way.
I don’t know if you do – maybe have a go!
What don’t you look at some of my effort: https://passionateliasons.wordpress.com
I think I will stick to the Carry On style 😉
Hehe… it’s more your style eh? 😉
Very much so 😉
I look forward to more then! 😉
There are more in the book! I might try and do a video reading one, but not sure I could keep a straight face…
Ha! Now you’ve said they you have to try – I can imagine it being like Terry Wogan and the Janet and John Stories
I have not heard of Terry Wogan’s Janet and John stories, were they medieval filth too?
No, modern double meaning stories that often had them in stitches while reading them.
They sound fab!
I’ll send you some!
abandoning the catches and latches in the face of lady-bacon!
whatever next!! 😀
mind you I know many people who would do that for actual bacon so no wonder lady bacon proved too much to resist…
I know, the shock of it all!
I would do almost anything for bacon. Not the lady-type, but I feel I have done the female form a great service with my new expression. There is little better than bacon! 😉
Bacon is extremely important…the standard type…
Lady-bacon is just about the best description ever…far better than anything else out there!!
I think I ought to be nominated for some sort of literary recognition for this. Without doubt, this is my finest moment 😀
you undoubtedly should!!
I will find one to nominate you for forthwith!!
Hurrah! I also really want to win that ‘bad sex’ in literature prize at some point. I think this is a good contender 🙂
I think you would stand a chance…
Let’s get nominations underway!!
I am not sure if random people can nominate for these things…but I do have Author in my job title so who knows!!!
It might at least draw attention to my rubbish erotica! I am looking forward to a phone call from my mum later when she asks me to explain what all this means. Recently I have had to explain both ‘clunge’ and ‘minge’. I’m not sure where she hears these things, but I am thinking about putting a parental filter on her tablet 🙂
hahahaha!
that might be safest…in case she starts googling these things!!
Oooooh good idea… she shouldn’t be let loose on Google!! Bless her, I have no idea how she managed to produce two children…
well surely that is what parental controls are for… controlling parents?
I find it better not to ask questions like that for fear of getting answers…
This was my thoughts exactly! Someone has to keep an eye on those pesky parents!
I asked her once when I was very small and she said she found me under a gooseberry bush. I spent quite a few years checking gooseberry bushes for babies, I can tell you. Since then, I have decided that this is the preferable answer to such a question and have not pushed her further 😀
this is the problem with telling things like that to children… they are very literal… I wonder what you would have done if you found any?
I don’t remember ever asking this question… if I did, I don’t remember what answer I got…
you are right though…this answer id definitely preferable to any further detail!!
Hmm, I don’t think I ever planned as far ahead as finding any! But whenever I see a gooseberry the thought of ‘that’s where babies come from’ always flits through my mind! I think that good children come from strawberry bushes and naughty children from gooseberry bushes.
hmmm this is intriguing…
I don’t recall seeing any gooseberry bushes or strawberry bushes when I lived in Hull…
I wonder where I came from…
Are gin bushes a thing?
I really hope they are. I bet Bernard bushes are! We could become Bernard farmers, what a life that would be!
oh my! Bernard farming sounds ideal! we must move to Bernard country and set up the finest Bernard Farm in existence!
Yes! At once!
(In other news, I have just submitted The Vanishing Lord manuscript to my publisher. Squeee!)
ooooh!!!
That is exciting!!
It calls for a celebration!! 😀
A celebration of… GIN!! 😀
Absolutely!! this calls for some of the finest gin!
and bernards!!
I shall have some this evening in your honour!!
Why thank you! I shall have some in honour of you having some in my honour!!
Marvelous 😀
This sounds like an excellent plan!