PorterGirl gets its first ever sex scene!
Don’t worry, we aren’t about to witness Head Porter wearing nothing but his sock suspenders, getting up to mischief with a wayward Bedder. The staff of Old College are notoriously uptight when it comes to matters below the waist. But original Old College keeper of keys, Humphrey Babthorp, proves by way of his secret diary that Porters were not always quite so averse to a little bit of how’s-your-father, in this excerpt from up-coming PorterGirl novel, The Vanishing Lord…
(Mum, don’t read this. I’ll only have to explain it to you later anyway.)
12th December 1448
Never didst I think that I would owe so much to the wayward wick of a candlestick maker! Whenst I first did first findeth him in mine bed with mine bedswerver of a lady Lettice – o! Did mine heart break. But sincetimes as the good Maud Carneby from the kitchens led me astray upon the chopping table I tell thee that forsooth I have not been happier. Only this morrow whenst I did visit the kitchens to check upon the catches and latches, I did findeth her in the all-together, sprawled like a prime cut of brisket upon the sideboard with legs a-pointing to the east and west and a clear invitation to make a journey down south. There was much of a-giggling and a-squirming as I took close council with her lady-bacon and her plentiful dumplings did shudder allways in the tumult. They are more than a handful for any man, I tellst thee, but I have two hands and a determined disposition which served me well in such circumstances. Maud is of the demanding type of womenfolk that likes her meat well roasted so I did no more than to place her on my spit like a suckling boar and roast away across the tabletop until her squeals and shouting made sound as such would waketh the dead. Why, it would not surprise me if poor Ralph Eels hisself was woken from the afterlife by her calamitous roarings. I did not stop with the roasting until she was basted good and proper – inside and out! I never did see to the catches and latches and I didst find mineself in need of creative falsehoods when Gunby didst ask me about them. The good Lord doest not look kindly on those that forswear with their tongues but there is truth in the matter that my tongue was put to good use and I didst give other things a seeing to, if not the catches and latches…
Lucy Brazier 
Took a couple of reads to get the hang of this … determined disposition indeed … now for a relieving cup of tea and a dipped in biscuit.
Ye olde English isn’t the easiest to follow, but I admire your fortitude in the matter, my dear!
Hot work … shirt on or off, crackling rippling …
Shirt off seems very appropriate to me 😉
Ah … a point of view I didn’t know you’d seen …
Indeed I have… quite the view!
Ah again … I wondered why so speechless …
Sounds exciting Lucy. Do you think you could send a detailed explanation by return of post? It has been many the year for me. I once started the perfumed garden and found I was more suited to a window box.
xxx Massive Hugs xxx
Haha! An extensive explanation is on its way. I would hate there to be any confusion over such delicate matters.
xxx Giant Hugs xxx
Forsooth thou art a bawdy wench and no mistake Ms Brazier! It’s like Chaucer and his ‘nether yaya’
David mentioned the Perfumed Garden – I have a funny story about that,(no not that kind of story),
I love being described as a ‘bawdy wench’ – I shall write that on forms under ‘occupation’ 🙂
I think we all need to hear the story about the Perfumed Garden, now… 😉
I was in a book club. You were sent 4 books a month, you picked one and sent the rest back.
Sometimes I forgot to send the books back, so had to buy them all.
This time I hadn’t even looked at the books and realised it was passed the date of return. So I just took a quick look at them, kept a Conan Doyle collection and put the others (which looked like romance novels) in a box to take to Mum.
Mum used read and then pass on books I gave her out to a couple of older ladies in the road who liked a good juicy murder mystery or romance novel.
Anyway I visited, dropped the books and came home. In the summer, I went to Mums again to be greeted at the door by my Mum with a big grin on her face.
I was dragged into the garden where two of my sisters (one very heavily pregnant) were sitting and we all sat down. They were all giggling. I said ‘okay what’s going on?’
Mum handed me one of the books I had given her. It was a lilac colour with flowers on the front and it was called ‘The Perfumed Garden’.
I looked perplexed. Mum said, ‘Do you know what this book is about?’ ‘No, I thought it was a romance novel’ I replied. To which my sisters and Mum collapsed into heaps laughing. My sister said ‘See, I told you she wouldn’t know!’
Mum said to me ‘It’s a sex manual’ Oh my god was my face red!
‘Don’t be daft’ I said ‘Why would a sex manual be called ‘The Perfumed Garden’?.
My sister then grabs the book, opens a page randomly and starts reading out loud. I can’t remember the exact words, but it was something to do with a prone lady balancing lit oil lamps on the balls of her feet (which were planted in the air – rather dangerous I thought). We just guffawed like hyenas as it sounded so ridiculous read out loud. Goodness knows what the neighbours thought!
My Mum said ‘It was a good job I read a few pages (ahem) as I was going to pass it on to Mrs Cook over the road! She would’ve had a heart attack!’ (Mrs Cook was in her eighties but sharp as a tack) so I replied ‘She’d probably give you it back with amendments Mum, I’m sure she’s seen it all.
Then my very pregnant sister took the book and read out loud from it. She laughed so hard, her waters broke and she went into labour and had the baby within 2 hours. She was still laughing during the birth and telling the midwives all about our afternoon!
Oh my that is the best story ever!! And what a brilliant way to bring a child into the world – through the shared laughter of family, laughing about a sex book! Just glorious. This is quite probably the best thing I will read all year (your comment, not The Perfumed Garden!) And Mrs Cook sounds like a superb lady. Thank you so much for sharing this fabulous tale, I shall have a smile on my face all day! X
Awww thanks Lucy, glad it made you smile. Mrs Cook was a lovely woman – old school if you know what I mean :0)
I do. Old school is the best!
Indeed :0)