As we all know, our heroine is the very first female Deputy Head Porter at Old College. This is a notion that at first excites her, but soon becomes something of burden as there are many in College who believe that firsts should apply to degrees only. She arrives at the iconic iron gates fresh from the Thin Blue Line, drilled in the disciplines of procedure and teamwork. The arbitrary disposition adopted by Old College and the highly political nature of both The Fellowship and the Porters’ Lodge put her firmly on the back foot and she begins to wonder if this is an altogether good idea. The expertise and skills upon which she so prides herself are of little use in this arcane and esoteric environment and she quickly realises that this isn’t going to be the jolly jape she thought it might be.
Through her eyes, the inner workings of the academic elite are tantalisingly revealed to us, usually with a degree of wry humour but often in awe-inspired veneration at this intricate and ancient establishment. Although she has moments of doubt, fear and even great sadness at Old College, Deputy Head Porter offers little resistance to its magnificent allure and allows herself to be fully ensconced within the rich legend that is College life. She launches herself into incident and adventure with great aplomb, quickly making powerful friends and even more powerful enemies. Although often leaning towards the diplomatic and tactful approach, Deputy Head Porter sometimes struggles to keep her thoughts to herself, which only occasionally works in her favour.
For someone quite so verbose, she remains remarkably tight-lipped about her personal life. Apart from brief references to a few family members and the occasional nod to her previous employment, Deputy Head Porter does not share very much at all. We do know that she left school with no qualifications, but with a surprising proficiency in Latin and great enthusiasm for the Classics. A spirited (if ultimately unremarkable) youth provided plenty of opportunity to develop a fervent reverence for shenanigans, but she didn’t really hit her stride until joining Her Majesty’s Finest several years later. Deputy Head Porter embraced this challenge with her usual equanimity and found herself capable of far more than she ever imagined. She put these achievements entirely down to the fact that she now wore a hat to work and her belief in the power of hats has been unshakable ever since.
We are never told exactly why she felt obliged to leave not only her job but also her home town, although she hints that it may not have been by her own choice. Nonetheless, Deputy Head Porter shows no signs of this encumbering her avidity for her somewhat random new life and sets about cheerfully getting on with things. Buoyed by endless cups of tea and as many biscuits as she can steal, Deputy Head Porter places great importance on plentiful victuals and often finds herself being steered entirely by her stomach. This is a fairly effective gambit at first, but then things take an unexpected turn and self-preservation should really be her first consideration. And sometimes it is.
Lucy Brazier 
Japes! Yes! Bring them on!
Quite right! Japes are a thing of beauty!
You just can’t have too many japes.
Absolutely right my good man.
Time and school holidays is all I have to say as to as a poor excuse for not visiting more often. I am in awe of your publication date…my search is still a mastery of procrastination and, oh yes, schools out…time ceases to belong to one…most irksome for the doing mind.
I shall be purchasing said book imminently, but electronic or hard copy….there is a ponderance…something about real pages don’t you think.
Congratulations 💐🌹
It is that dreaded time of year! I have been missing you Gary, I am glad you are okay. I agree with you about pages, electronic devices just don’t do it for me in the same way. Have a super weekend, you lovely fellow 🙂
You are indeed sweet and the missing is indeed mutual ! OK is relative too…I have an extraordinary urge to start sending my manuscript out!! Terrible nerve bashing that…self harm even… shocking stuff really. I do hope you are revelling in knowing this book of yours is now out and about…I bet nerves were jangling in expectation of the release day arriving 😊
I say send it out!! Be brave, my dear friend. What’s the worst that can happen? Apart from the possible descent (ascent?) to insanity and not a single hair left upon one’s head, of course. Nerves have been jangled to their very limit, I assure you – but now I shall attempt a degree of relaxation and most likely gluttony 😉
Yes, these things have been said many times from many supporters…and yet personal angst stays ones hand, or finger, from hitting SEND. This matter must be remedied. I’ve heard there is a phrase…more haste less speed, in my case this is less haste no speed at all. Not good so embrace the insanity and push onwards. Your advice is sound and one has now got someone to blame for what follows 🤔
And yes, relax…it is Saturday night and all that 😊
You can absolutely blame me for anything and everything that comes after 🙂 If my advice somehow ruins your life, I will make you a lovely pie 😀
Excellent, and perhaps sign a copy of your book for good measure. No pumpkin pies though…not a fan of those…all that carving and haunted aromas of candle baked Halloween squashes upon the doorstep; somehow tarnished the desire to go with the idea of food there.
I would be delighted to sign the book, of course. Pie-wise, I was thinking beef and ale followed by apple and blackberry. But I can be flexible.
That is even more excellent on both counts…beef and ale is top drawer pie material indeed…and followed by seasonal fruits is most in tune with the seasons…bravo 😊
I actually made an apple and blackberry pie today – with fruit picked from my very garden! I just live pies of all description 🙂
how envious am I of your many talents? Although walks that I frequent hereabouts are heady with natures harvest at the moment. I see wine hanging from every bough and limb…sloes, elderberries, black berries and more…would be most complimentary to the fruit pies methinks 😊
I also have a fine stock of homemade Damson and blackberry wine, but it’s a bit dodgy, to be honest. Now I sound like The Good Life…
The secret to the hedgerow reds is leave them maturing for at least three years. The tannins drop out and the flavour transforms into nectar. Once you try a three year brew then never again will you want something immature again. I was sceptical, but the mystic who lived next door where I grew up showed me the path…it’s that first three years where there is a vacuum…although it can be filled with hedgerow whites instead….Do I know call you Barbara ??
Aha mine are just about coming up to three years! I will give one a go, I think. I think Barbara rather suits me 🙂
Excellent…in my opinion sloes, yes…sloes….mature into one of the best wines. Terrible new, but wonderful, with a few tweaks, in the long run Barbera 😁
As with anything, patience is the key 😉
Very true indeed. Does that mean I need more procrastinating and book avoidance?🤔
Absolutely not! Grab that tome by the scruff of the neck and get it out there!!
This week then. The agent synopsis redraft and off to my proofer and then…literary agent or indie publishing….this is my circular argument that leads to crop gathering and copious fermentations…at least that is the this time of year modus operandi 👻
Do it! Do it! You see writing the book is the easy bit, it’s all the rest of it that is a pain in the bum. Best just to get on with it. Then have a nice cup of tea and perhaps a little bit of Gershwin and all will be right with the world 🙂
I have always considered the writing the easy bit…the rest is rich in (insert choice expletive) angst and despair; which reminds me of a certain Despair Squid and Dwaine Dibbley…not quite the Good Life that one! However, you are quite right. Doing must begin…or it will just be a hobby…although…it’s not a bad hobby is it? Ooh idea….
Come on chap, it isn’t quite so dramatic- tis only a book after all! Just get it out there – or live with the regret of what might have been. If it is a disaster – so what? Write another one. Or just laugh it off. All part of life’s rich pagent 🙂
In a hole n the ground there lived a hobbit …
That’s the spirit… 😉
I have written another one and part of a third with a series of short stories on my blog that can be turned into a fourth…I have this writing part cracked, as it were…I obviously have issues and meta crises of the mind. But, my dear friend…once again your words speak true. One shall send off the synopsis for proofing this week and then see where the trail leads yes?
It can do no harm 🙂 I realise it is a scary thing, but you will not regret it.
Very true…consider yourself virtually hugged! Tomorrow I shall dust off the PC and its surroundings ready to tackle the accursed synopsis. 😊
Virtual hug very gratefully received, chap! Good luck my fine fellow 🙂
My thanks indeed…updates to follow….if it goes quiet then shout at me 😱
Fear not, I shall come and dig you out, old bean 🙂
Good to know….would that be with the signed book and pie? If so that is almost a counter incentive to do it 👀
Oh yes, I see your point – but generally I want you to know that I will rescue you with pie, book and wine should at any point you might need rescuing – but you have to submit the manuscript first. Seems fair, my friend? 😉
Ahh…the caveat and small print returned…fair indeed. One cannot counter argue that particular condition 😱
I have, however, concluded the Boomtown Rats were correct! I don’t like Mondays either. How that correlates to pie, books and other such matters is eluding me…which reminds…how goes The Blair Witch project?
Aha the Tony Blair project rumbles on, although I had to take a break from it to manage the book release. I imagine it will be up and running by the end of the month and will hopefully be reasonably entertaining 🙂
I figured the book release would eat up time and being out of touch for what feels like weeks has put me, well…out of touch…looking forward to following this one too 😊
As long as I can keep my mind on the project and not Tony Slattery from the 90s, everything should be fine. Failing that, I shall turn to wine and pies 🙂
Oh dear…then it will be my mission to pop over and sort you out 😱
Remain focussed. I have more confidence in your abilities than mine lol
I say!! Now, there’s an offer not to be refused 😉
You are kind – but you know I have every faith in your abilities!
Hmm, that was supposed to be a threat to ensure you moved swiftly into the Blair project!! You made it sound moreish 😉
You do?? People keep saying that in comments too on my ongoing serialisation… Strange indeed 🤔
Ah, yes, that’s exactly what I was thinking too – full steam ahead with the Blair thing… 😉
Well, I would just get on with it, if I were you. Success awaits!
I sense a conspiracy….my proofer has started asking for said synopsis now too. My normality begins next week alas. School might be back but sixth form begins not until Wednesday. The rest of the week is booked up so frustration is biting. Still, there is ample moments to review the synopsis I guess….or coffee and cake…decisions decisions 🤔
😉