With his bowler hat perched resolutely and College tie worn askew beneath a collar so crisp you could cut glass with it, Head Porter is perhaps the most instantly recognisable figure in Old College. He likes to think that he rules the Porters’ Lodge with a rod of iron, but he is largely ignored by his indifferent staff. Deputy Head Porter’s arrival was the result of a devious plot of his own devising, his motives for which are indistinct at first. It quickly becomes apparent that this somewhat peevish gentleman has far more power within College than is good and proper, although without the intellect to wield it, this could prove to be his undoing.
Head Porter plays his cards very close to his chest in both his professional and personal life. Indeed, one might even think that the chap had no personal life at all, were it not for the unexpected arrival of a unknown young woman. However, men like Head Porter don’t just pop up out of the ground, and his disagreeable demeanour could perhaps find its origins in his formative years.
The young Head Porter was something of an inconvenience to his staunchly conservative parents when he arrived, ten days late, on the bathroom floor of their humble but neat cottage in an all-but-forgotten village in Yorkshire. A perpetual disappointment to his merchant seaman father, there was little warmth either from his emotionally bankrupt mother, a woman cowed into cold sorrow by many unhappy years of marriage. This made for a lonely and somewhat confused child, who although not stupid was diffident towards education.
As soon as he was able, Head Porter left his bleak beginnings behind and headed out in search of bright lights and fortune. He got as far as a working men’s club in Ely, where he found employment and lodgings. Working his way from glass collector and pot washer and growing into a strapping young man to boot, Head Porter eventually found himself not only the proprietor of this unpretentious establishment but also unexpectedly eligible. Astonished and delighted at the sudden feminine attention, Head Porter decided it prudent to strike while he had the chance, and immediately married the flame-haired young tea lady from the bowls club. What happened next remains something of a mystery, although we know it did not end well. Old College bringing him into its illustrious bosom could be the best and worst of things to happen to him.
Head Porter is an unassumingly complex character, who is both a staunch pillar of authority and also something of a comedy sidekick. His relationship with Deputy Head Porter is multifarious and becomes more tangled with time, although the moments in which they do bond are sincere. When the need to work as a team becomes mortally important, they are both relieved to put aside the sniping in favour of saving their skins.
Lucy Brazier 
Although dear Mr. Butterworth is much younger, it does bring to mind an image of the late Alastair Sim and the great Saint Trinians film!
Yes, I know what you mean! I think he would be quite happy with that comparison 🙂
Wonderful as it was certainly meant as a compliment! While we know the books will be better, I am already anticipating the film… 😀
Agh the film… yes, that has been discussed at length and even half-heartedly attempted. I’m not sure I want to write a film…
😀
He sounds an intriguing man etc…how did you get into all this? With Paul and filming trailers and talk of film scripts?
Paul is a sweetheart. I met him through a friend when they started dating. He is a professional actor and has been for many years (there’s a click through to his acting page thingy) and was stupid / kind enough to work with me on PorterGirl. His friends at BAFTA were mightily impressed with the whole idea, but that’s as far as it has gone, really – although there has been a lot of interest and a couple of attempts at a script. Unfortunately, I don’t like films so my motivation for taking it off the page is very limited. Also I have personally come to the conclusion that some things just don’t work as well on screen, and PG is better off in literary form. The Tony Blair project, however – that’s a different story…
Yes I recognised him when I saw a picture of him on your blog, and you looked vaguely familiar too but I must have been mistaken. Some things are best left in print, how is the Tony Blair thing going? Have you done all your filming?
I just have one of those faces, people often think they recognise me – whereas as Paul is a proper famous person. The Tony Blair thing is going well, we did the majority of the filming on Saturday. With the book out tomorrow I have had to put the Blair thing to one side briefly, but it seems to be coming along nicely! Not as good as being a bacon pirate, however.
I’ve started writing that! Diary of a bacon smuggler…trying to get a big chunk down and then post it in small bits as I have no time to write then post then write then post…
Brilliant!!!! I can’t wait to see that. It is going to be the finest piece of literature since Dickins (oo-er, sounds a bit rude). Am I in it?!
I’ve no idea, never read Dickens, but I have heard of her…of course you’re in it! But you’ve been anagrammed, well, porter girl has…and it’s been far too long since a bit of rude!!!
Hurrah!! I am delighted I am in it. Hopefully there will be lots of rude. There is great scope for all kinds of pork jokes, I imagine.
It will be rude, that goes without saying 🙂 and whilst there will be a fair smattering of pork jokes, there will also be a completely serious sexual fetish streak (ha ha!!) involving bacon rubbing through the whole thing, on a par with the gun love thing, I just have to get it to work…
This sounds fantastic. I wish my real life was like this, with the bacon rubbing and whatnot.
We all wish it, deep down everyone wants to be involved in bacon rubbing…or did you mean robbing?
No, I meant rubbing… lots of rubbing… but I’m up for robbing, too – we are pirates, obviously.
I imagine that after the thrill and excitement of boarding a bacon boat, the adrenalin will be at such a level that bacon rubbing will be the logical next step in order to maintain the high…there will be some homemade bacon-based psychedelics on offer too, once the side effects have been ironed out…
I literally cannot think of anything better than a bacon acid trip on a boat. The urge to flee to Portsmouth at once is strong…
That’s because there isn’t anything better! ‘Tis a powerful urge indeed….
Life is such simple joy for bacon pirates…
It is to begin with, but I’m sure something complicated will turn up before too long…treachery’s abound on the high seas!
Well, I suppose I can’t expect a simple life of bacon and drug-induced stupor to last forever. Hey ho.
One can make a bloody good go of it though! Be a shame to waste the opportunity simply because of fate…
Pah to fate. Bring me bacon and adventure!
That’s my smuggler!!!! And the drugs are already in their waterproof baggies…which is par for the course in all fairness
Most sensible. Nothing worse than damp drugs, that’s for sure.
Damp drugs, cold red wine, and gone off bacon…and no gin…
Now I feel suicidal…
Sorry…I wasn’t ignoring your plight! Fret ye not, for we shall stock up in the finest spar that Portsmouth has to offer!
Oh, it’s okay – I was searching the internet for pictures of Tony Slattery (all will be revealed) so I forgot about killing myself. This is great news, the Spar shall be henceforth known as the Emporium of Dreams. Also – death to the Co-op!
All will be revealed about Tony Slattery? or you’re taking your clothes off? The Emporium of Dreams will serve for the majority of our supplies and sustenance – death to the co-op – but we will require a top quality butcher for the bacon, we shall not shirk on the bacon!
I will probably keep my clothes on, but I can’t promise. Tony Slattery will definitely be keeping his clothes on, unless things take an unlikely turn between now and Monday. I agree about the butcher – hey, does Art do any butchery? He seems to do just about everything else.
Have you tasted American bacon?!? There’s no way he’ll be able to be trained in time…he could make the barbeque with his newly found blacksmithery skills? And much can happen before a Monday…I am intrigued about Tony, but I’ll not ask…
Yes, it is rank. We need a Danish bacon handler, Danish bacon is the best!! Well, seeing as Art is coming along anyway, he can at least do the barbeque. Don’t worry about Tony… but rest assured my plans to reinstate him as a national treasure are well under way…
I’m glad you mentioned the Danish; you’re Danish in the bacon smuggler! Oh I do hope you plans for Tony work, let me know if he dragged his heels and I’ll soften him up with some bacon…you know, to rub himself with. Barbeque it is…though it’ll probably fall apart.
Great! I’ve always wanted to be Danish! Actually, I promised Tony a three-way bacon rub – I thought you’d be fine with that. I’ll do the main rubbing, if that helps.
Well now you are! Three-way sounds good to me, and wherever the session takes us; I never go into that kind of thing with a plan.
I think the less planning the better where bacon three-ways are concerned, quite frankly. Tony will be DELIGHTED.
It’s a mantra I’ve always lived by… I’ve had it tattooed on my children!
Always good to pass along such wisdom.
Never did me any harm!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?