Straddling the ancient river of one of Britain’s most venerable cities, Old College is among the most esteemed Colleges of The City University. Even those with a firm grasp of the complexities of higher education are likely to be baffled by the anachronistic nuances of the academic elite, a world mostly unseen by those not permitted passage beyond those hallowed walls. A little light reading is required by any wishing to ingratiate themselves into College life, but it is well worth keeping in mind that even veterans of scholarly society don’t really know what’s going on. A quick glance at this visitor’s guide will have you swanking around like an alumni in no time.
Hierarchy
Ruled by a sort of benevolent autocracy, Colleges have at their head The Master of College. This role is usually taken by a person of great academic achievement and often also of high standing within society. The Master of Old College is both a professor of economics and a Lord of the Realm, which is fairly impressive. A somewhat sinister and distant figure, he spends a good deal of time abroad, avoiding his sex-mad, surgically enhanced wife who is sadly devoid of any notable talents beyond those bought and paid for in Harley Street.
Luckily, Old College is blessed with the formidable force of nature that is The Dean to keep things relatively on track in his absence. Previously an international lawyer with a dubious past in Kuala Lumpa, The Dean is fearless, tactless and prone to random violence. A handsome man in his mid-forties, Deputy Head Porter has held a candle for him since their first meeting. Fraternisation between The Fellowship and College Servants is not so much frowned upon as simply unthinkable, and his often frenzied approach to enforcing discipline and maintaining reputation make any union between them unlikely. He is ably assisted by the softly-spoken Senior Tutor, whose remarkable tolerance makes him perfect for dealing with students and Fellows alike.
The Fellowship
‘The Fellowship’ is a rather romantic title for the multifarious conglomerate of academics who make up the ruling body of College. Although there are some bone fide proper jobs performed by members of The Fellowship, a great deal of them seem to exist simply to occupy the dining halls and their only reason for being in College is that they haven’t anywhere else to go.
Keeping an eye on the vast sums of money passing in and out of College are The Bursars. Traditionally, one collects the money whilst the other spends it, although Old College is now down to one Bursar and he is suspected of being a Russian spy and serial poisoner.
Sitting firmly and distantly beneath The Fellowship we have the College servants. All the really important roles are covered by this somewhat pompous term – Housekeeping, Maintenance, Catering, Gardeners and, of course, the Porters.
Porters
Ensconced in the muted splendor of the Porters’ Lodge, the bowler-hatted jacks-of-all-trades are at the top of the humble servant pile, although other departments might dispute that. The Porters, naturally, are not the carriers of bags but the keepers of keys. The role is so broad and varied it is difficult to encapsulate concisely. Always on hand (except when they are sneaking off for a smoke), Porters act as security, deliver the post and are called upon to deal with everything from lost property to broken hearts. But woe betide any who upset the Porters. Think of Porters as butlers with attitude.
Bedders
Housekeeping staff whose primary priority is keeping the student quarters from becoming biohazards. Bedders keep the College spick and span whilst accumulating some of the more salacious gossip, which makes them great allies of the Porters.
Formal Hall
By definition, Formal Halls are formal dinners often used for the entertainment of College guests. As such they are governed by certain guidelines, customs and rules set out to ensure all College members behave themselves. Failure to observe these guidelines may result in punishment up to and including death, or something far worse than that – being sent to see The Dean. Eating and drinking (especially drinking) is taken very seriously indeed by The Fellowship and they expect everyone to attribute a similar gravitas to the consumption of victuals. Formal Halls are held once a week in full term and are seen as a way of keeping your hand in for the Feasts and Balls that are a common part of College life.
The Other Place
Among the upper echelons of British society, there are only two Universities given any consideration. Their annual boat races are a long standing tradition and the contention between them goes back centuries. It is considered bad form to utter the name of your academic rivals, hence the University that is not your alma mater is automatically known as The Other Place.
Punting
Punting is a prerequisite of proper City life. The art of gently steering a flat-bottomed boat with a twelve foot pole along the urban waterways is one which must be mastered by anyone wanting to be taken really seriously in College. Here in the City, we always punt from the rear of the boat, whereas The Other Place adopts the rather undignified practice of dragging the boat through the water, punting from the front. Heathens.
(Bit random – but click here to see William Shatner punting in Cambridge)
This covers the basics of a complex and convoluted ‘organisation’ (I use the term loosely) that, despite ambiguous origins and esoteric arrangements, has managed to thrive for eight hundred years, becoming inordinately wealthy and more powerful than government or the church. How the University wields its power is difficult to know, but how they maintain it can be easily observed.
Welcome to Old College. It’s quite an education.
Lucy Brazier 
One must shade those curves … as for the lecture though cock-sure back then it struck me where I’d been let in! Nowadays I know all to well how much I don’t, yet my natural tendency still to push my luck!
Very important to protect my delicate, lily-white complexion! Aside from a few cheeky freckles, of course.
Isn’t it funny how the older we get, the more we realise we don’t know? By the time I am a pensioner, I shall know so little that I will have to resort to wearing redneck overalls and chewing straw. Your foray to The Other Place has impressed me greatly. I hope one day the opportunity arises for you to attend an establishment in the only proper University City!
You are the impressive one, your intelligence and style show through in all you do, this man stands and bows to you. Have a good afternoon Lucy, your delicates too.
What a thoroughly charming chap you are. I am blushing, and much flattered by you, dear sir. Have a super day.
you have a medal 😀
and I have still never been punting…
Ah yes, I forgot I was wearing that. It was from my previous profession and that photo was taken on Remembrance Sunday, when I am entitled to wear it 🙂
You must come punting!! You would be good at it because of your fitness skills – I imagine you have good balance and co-ordination. We simply must find time to go punting one day, it’s brilliant!! 😀
I wondered if it was Remembrance Sunday…because of the poppy… I also thought it might be from yur previous profession…
although I suspect as DHP you deserve a medal!
I have intermittent balance and coordination…
I would love love to come punting one day!! Is there a special hat? for punting and for being punted?
I googled punting hat…and boaters come up…although this seems like a stereotype…
You got it exactly right! Although the College should have given out medals, in my humble opinion. My chances of getting one off them now are pretty slim, sadly!
I have a hat for punting, it is indeed a boater. But a panama would do just as well. Of course, a fedora is an acceptable hat for any occasion. I love that you googled punting hat! Exactly the sort of thing I do! 😀
of course I googled punting hat 😀
I do have a panama-esque hat…
I would quite like a boater…but I tried one on once and took a picture and I looked like evil Mr burns from the Simpsons…not really the look I was going for…
Boaters can be dreadfully unforgiving, I would lean more towards a panama-type. Or a big floppy-type thing is you happen to be wearing a big, floaty dress. Although I suspect that, like me, you are not the floaty dress type 😉
The Mr Burns look is a difficult one to pull off!! 😮
you are correct in your surmise!
I am not the floaty dress type…
I try to be, occasionally, but I feel self conscious and too short! Floaty dresses are made for tall people, who are comfortable with cheerful prints!
I’ll stick to the panama 😀
I have too much hair to be Mr Burns…that and I am not a man, or yellow, or 103, or fictional…
I agree, floaty dresses are for tall spindly ladies and I am neither. Just about a lady, occasionally 😉
You make some very good points regarding Mr Burns. Also, you have not been shot by a baby. One would hope!
tall and spindly is exactly right…
I have one floaty-ish grey linen dress which is long…but every time I wear it I feel Amish! i try to counteract this by wearing it with new rocks and a hat!
I do not recall being shot by a baby…I am sure it is the sort of thing I would commit to memory!
I always look like a man in drag when I wear a dress – and a man who hasn’t made much effort at that! Some of us have a style that transcends traditional notions of beauty and only truly flourishes in jeans and a T-shirt. I have no doubt that the spindly girls are secretly seething with jealousy at our unique gorgeousness 🙂
Let’s hope babies with firearms leave you alone 😉
I suspect you are right about the spindly girls! How could they not be jealous of our innate ability to wear any hat that comes our way!! 😀
Babies with firearms are something I shall make every attempt to steer clear of… babies in general actually…the things are terrifying even without weapons!
It is a gift bestowed upon so very few!
Oh my yes – the buggering things are an abomination.
It really is!
And they are so small and odd looking and everyone expects you to go gooey and think they are cute… Friends of mine have them and hand them to me because it is funny to see me panic…apparently!
I am always amazed when they turn into humans!
I don’t hold them until they get to about 2 and then only grudgingly. I think they look like pink potatoes.
i don’t if I can help it!! Pink potatoes is about right!
at 2 they are a bit more like little people, only it confuses me when they try to speak to me…they don’t make real words and I never understand…ten the mummies around me look at me like I am stupid and mean for not answering!!
Pah. Obviously babies are good for the continuation of the human race, but I struggle to deal with them. Luckily, not many 2 year olds try to speak to me – I avoid them around that age and try to engage again at about 5. It’s not so bad then 🙂
I agree…over about 5 and it all gets easier… at least it does until they discover you are able to pick them up by their feet…then you ahve to keep doing it.
I have recently developed nephews, one is 3 and has been trying to speak to me for about a year and I just look at him blankly until his brother looks at me and says” aren’t you going to answer him” at which point I waffle and run away! his brother is 7 and thinks I am a climbing frame…
I have nieces (like nephews, but slightly less smelly) of 4 and 6. Of course I adore them. But, really, what ARE these little random beasts?! And they talk about Peppa Pig as if I should know everything about it. Although, once I found out that Brian Blessed is Grandad Pig, I didn’t mind so much. Crazy little creatures. I can’t believe that we were once like that! 😀
ahh yes, I have heard of nieces…more peppa pig and less “lets do boxing”
(although I am aware that this is a stereotype)
Brian Blessed in in Peppa Pig? this is much more exciting than I thought!!
Nephews are certain crazy little creatures, the little one now wants to do every thing that the big one does including bing picked up turned upside down and spun around…normally at the same time… they are the reason i can’t stop going to the gym!!
I can’t believe we were once like that either… i am sure I wasn’t…I liked books and never ran around in castles…
There is the occasional sword fight and dragon hunt, but these are usually abandoned fairly swiftly in favour of the trampoline, which seems to have taken on god-like importance in their world 🙂
Oh yes, Brian is pretty good in it! Basically just Brian Blessed but a pig. The episodes he isn’t in are pretty dull, though. The kids love it though – my friend’s daughter went through a stage of calling her Mummy Pig, which I found very funny.
I think we were far more refined at that age. I know my mum will be reading this (she reads the comments too – bless!) but luckily she hasn’t worked out how to comment so she can’t contradict me and share all number of stories! (And Mum, if you try I will MODERATE YOU!)
Oooh sword fights and dragon hunts are quite exciting!!
Trampolines are hard work…tiny children bounce for ever yet when i tried it as an adult I nearly died the next day!!!
I think these two are more fans of paw patrol and superheroes…
Paw patrol seems to have adventure dogs in it…sadly not Brian blessed though…mind you I have only seen the books and Brian blessed has less impact in a book!
We were most certainly more refined!
I was an only child and mostly liked talking to adults… I didn’t understand children then either!!
Ah yes, Paw Patrol is a big one too – much better than Peppa Pig. And bloody princesses… anything princess-y bleugh. I can honestly say that I was never into princesses. Too busy watching Ulysses and Dungeon & Dragons and such 🙂
No, I don’t think I was ever I to princesses, I was watching Battle of the Planets and Ulysses and I wanted to be superman!!
I wanted to be Mighty Mouse!!
Oooh I loved Mighty Mouse!!!
That is a fine ambition!!
One I still hope to achieve, one day *sigh*
You just need to cultivate the right sort of ears and you will get there!
I’m on it…
Excellent 🙂
When you are nearly there let me know and I’ll make us capes!! And we can save the world!!
HURRAH!!!! 😀
😀 😀
Woohoo a plan!!