Actually, it isn’t quite a wrap. There is a smattering of random footage I need to pull together yet, but I am pleased to say that the most important (not to mention convivial) scenes with the Cabinet have been completed with unprecedented success. That might be a little bit optimistic – it’s hardly Ben Hur – but it was without doubt a fabulous day of filming that began when I finished writing the script (such as it was) at eighty thirty that morning, and ended a full twenty four hours later (really), when the cameraman and director finally decided to stop partying and go to bed. I think I had better explain…
After some initial confusion about the actual location of the shoot, our motley crew were soon assembled in our very own Cabinet office in central Cambridge. Fuelled with the traditional victuals of tea and biscuits (which eventually became consumable props, much to Martin the continuity chap’s dismay), this happy band of waifs and strays miraculously morphed into a surprisingly competent Government. By the end of the first hour, we were utterly convinced that we could run the country.
There is, of course, the unspoken rule of what happens on set, stays on set and I will not betray the confidences of my colleagues quite so readily. However, such highlights include but are not limited to:
Meeting Sam from Midsummer 365 Projects! We have been blogging friends for sometime now and she was good enough to make the epic 100 mile drive to take her place as Minister For Good Ideas & Gin. She didn’t know anyone and was a little nervous at first, but as luck would have it she was almost the identical twin of press-ganged cast member Edd and they bonded over a love of steampunk and excellent hats. By the time we hit the after party, her place in our hearts was forever assured and she is now firmly part of the gang with no chance of escape. Oh, and she can lift me up really easily, too.
Hats – There were more hats on set than people, at one point.
The Chancellor Of The Exchequer’s trousers – Looking as if they had been freshly wrestled from the derriere of Michael Portillo, this eye-catching apparel drew admiring glances from men and ladies alike… although mainly the ladies, to be fair.
‘Concerned’ – A panned shot of the Cabinet looking concerned turned into something of a saga as the director continually asked for us to repeat the scene. Thinking our hopeless acting skills were pushing that Oscar further and further away, I later learned the truth of the matter when reviewing the footage. Our concerned faces were the very epitome of anxiety, however the camera was jittery for many of the passes and unusable. I thought it was strange – we managed ‘pensive’ in one take, and one person didn’t even know what pensive was.
Don’t look at the camera! I’m not looking at the camera! – It doesn’t matter how much you try not to look into the camera, invariably your eyes are drawn to it and you end up looking panicked and rather creepy on screen.
Boris, you bastard! – A line that required delivery at untold decibels. There must be a good number of smart Cambridge folk wondering who he is and why he is evidently such a massive bastard.
Don’t mention the war – With three Germans in the cast and crew, plenty of Dad’s Army-esque banter abounds. On reflection, these scenes should not be used anywhere, ever – but will serve as a cheeky reminder of the fun we had that day.
Back seat of the Bentley – The Chancellor of the Exchequer used his classic car to gain favour with the ladies, even including a nice teddy bear in the back seat to tempt us in. Dear reader, his ploy worked.
Tony, father of PorterGirl – Lens-wielding artiste and video & technical director for the day, Tony Colby is my photographer of choice and is quite rightly attributed with the birth of PorterGirl. Legend has it, that during one especially ribald discussion on social media, Tony came up with the suggestion that I start a blog about my bizarre new job at the University. He became quite insistent and I was in no mood for a battle. The very next day I wrote ‘The First Day’ and the rest, as they say, is history.
The After Party – Several hours of filming was all it took for a room full of people to fall instantly in love and decide to spend the following evening together behaving like absolute deviants. This impromptu decision resulted in the cavalcade decamping to rural Cambridgeshire, where I hastily threw together a banquet while the Chancellor entertained all and sundry with his trousers, fancy car and three large bottles of home brewed damson gin. There was much hugging, singing and trampolining, all observed in mild terror by Terry the cat. Things started to go a little awry after dark, but miraculously I managed to keep all my clothes on. Events thereafter get somewhat wispy, but Nicole and I decided to go to bed (not like that) after we realised we had spent far too much time obsessing over Tony Slattery from the 90s, and the chaps were deep in discussion about internet access in Africa, or something.
Before I know it, dappled sunlight is falling across my face and an insistent paw is prodding at my nose. I am unsure as to what time I retired, but it feels all too recent. However, a hungry Terry is not to be dismissed, so I follow the furry bugger into the kitchen, only to find cameraman and director still in full flow of nonsense. I’m not sure what they are drinking, but it smells dreadful. The sight of me first thing in the morning is clearly enough to send them scurrying to some place of slumber and I am left to contemplate the fact that the day before, we had perhaps been making history.
For your enjoyment, here is the climax of the Prime Minister’s first speech to her new Cabinet…
Lucy Brazier 
I wish I could have cloned myself and been there. Shamed to say that I was in Oxford of all places this past weekend. lol
You abandoned me in favour of The Other Place?! You have torn this girl’s heart in very two, you cad! 😉 I hope you had a wonderful weekend, it is a beautiful place indeed. Perhaps another time, my fine fellow!
On the date of filming I was in Carmarthen , not in Boris territory of course
Such shambles would have been insufferable 😳🤓
Can’t wait for the series 😉
Thank you, I have had to put it to one side whilst I dealt with the book release, but I aim for it to be online in all its debatable glory by the end of the month 🙂
And so Tony Slattery appreciation day begins!!! And well done on that shooting Blair thing too…can’t
Hurrah for the mighty Tony Slattery! It is my goal to restore him to his former glory… although it might be something of a challenge…
That is definitely a yikes picture of him…you could splice video of his past greatness into yours; you could interview him over video link as he plays a foreign dignitary and he can give wild and whacky answers and constantly change clothes!
Bloody hell – that’s a brilliant idea! He might be a bit cross about it, but I would definitely say sorry.
Cross shmoss, he’ll bloody love it! In fact he’ll probably hire you to do lots of funny things with his vast back catalogue that he keeps in a special vault in his basement just on the off chance someone might want to watch him say something funny when people knew who he was…don’t tell him I said that…
Yeah, you’re probably right – I bet he is queuing up footage even as we speak. His back catalogue must be vast – he used to be in EVERYTHING back in the day. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me 😉
Phew, and the winking face only means I trust you more 🐷 – that’s the closest I could get to a bacon symbol…
Aha that is bacon in its original form, I see. I could probably just eat its face off… I’m really hungry today, for some reason.
It will be on our ship’s flag! I’d recommend you eat some food; I find that’s one of the best cures for hunger.
Right, right – wise words. I have eaten a sandwich and some crisps. And also some yellow bobbly stuff from my fridge – it was actually really nice. I thin our ship will be the finest vessel ever stolen from Portsmouth! Or Southampton. I don’t mind where we steal from.
I required antibiotics the last time I came across the yellow bobbly stuff…I have Southampton in my sights at the moment but will research Portsmouth to see if anything funny as ever happened there. And theft is like love; it knows no borders.
The yellow bobbly stuff was really good, I can only hope it doesn’t bring me out in a rash or something. Isn’t it annoying that the best things in life tend to result in some hideous infection? Or maybe it’s just me…
I did a massive fart in Portsmouth once, it was hilarious. Does that count? Also I am liking your approach to both love and petty crime. Very admirable, I say.
I’ve been pretty lucky in my best things to hideous infection ratio all things considered! But the night is young… And of course a hilarious fart counts! It’s just being able to get it into the story in a believable way… Petty can go swim; I’m aiming big! But thank you for the compliment 🙂
Good to know you have not suffered anything too hideous, although a life on the open waves could change all that. I shall bring some disinfectant, just in case.
Big crimes, big love – now it sounds like a Hollywood blockbuster! Let us reach for the stars, old bean!
I’m looking to suffer scurvy at least once, just to cross it off the list, you know.
I’d be happy to reach the gutter! We shall sail to Hollywood only to liberate its people from the tyranny of shit bacon! HUZZAH 🐷🐽
I know what you mean, I will keep some lemons on standby for an emergency cure. I quite fancy foot rot, I’ve never had that.
Art will probably be very useful once we hit Hollywood. He speaks the language, at any rate.
He should come in most handy with those backward talking types; so long as he can keep from railing against their plastic bits! And we’re gonna have to catch a pretty serious disease if we’re going to impress Arthur; he’s been around and has caught most things I suspect
Oh yes, is he still on that mind-altering medication? From the look of the blog, one might imagine so. But seriously. I bet he knows all about the yellow bobbly stuff.
I’ve found that there’s really very little difference between a drug-addled Arthur and a “sober” one…it’s why I love him so. He wrote another blog once, a secret one, about his wild adventures as a young man…he certainly got up to some bobbly stuff!
Oh man I want to read THAT blog…
I think he took it down after everyone he allowed to read it had read it…but I’ll do some digging…
If you can find it, there is extra bacon in it for you.
Good gravy my mind went everywhere with that.
Excellent, see it as an incentive to find this mystical blog…
I shall email Arthur this second and ask him!!!
Nice!! If he refuses information, I shall start posting cryptic comments on his blog. Freak him out, you know.
That’s an excellent idea and you should do it anyway!
Yes! If I start the cryptic threats now, he is bound to fold quickly.
Try not to antagonise though, he can get a little bitey!
I shall be gentle. I don’t want him nipping at me…
I have a special cream if he does…
Good, because after what you were saying about the diseases I am worried I could catch something worse than yellow bobbly stuff.
He has his own chapter in the International Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems!