new series

**New Project** Who Shot Tony Blair?

In a post-Brexit, pre-dystopian Britain, the traditional political system has collapsed and Tony Blair is back in Number 10. Only this time, he is tied to a chair in the kitchen under the watchful eye of the accidental Prime Minister’s mother.

Following several years of instability, Britain is more divided than ever. The country has devolved into a ragtag assembly of self-governing provinces, each with their own unique and particular arrangements. Elected to the position of Prime Minister of East Anglia by lottery (considered the only true method of democracy by some drunk Cambridge scholars), Lucy Wastell comes to power with the intention of reuniting her beloved country, establishing Cambridge as the new capital city and giving her chums all the top jobs. Which – considering she was a receptionist until last week – shows remarkable political nous.

When ex-Prime Minister and all-round war monger Tony Blair is captured by the Cambridge Militia, the new government see an opportunity to finally put him on trial for war crimes and strengthen their position in this brave new world. Unfortunately, no one in the newly-formed Cabinet has the first idea about how to execute such a task and so decide to lock him in the kitchen while they have a think about it.

Meanwhile – Boris, King of Oxford, has similar designs for his own city to become the capital and the ancient rivalry between the two municipals is reignited. But this is far removed from the good-natured jousting of old – previously played out on rugby fields and academic league tables – and a violent outcome seems very much on the cards. And with interfering travelling salesman and sometime spy Nigel Farage keen to stir up tensions wherever he can, the job of Prime Minister is looking less attractive by the day.

On the verge of war and with the world’s most wanted man locked in the kitchen of Number 10 (Downing Street, Cambridge – naturally), can a randomly-selected bunch of citizens really make a better job of it all than governments past?

The people really do have the power. Which is what we all wanted… right?

And this is where YOU come in…

Who Shot Tony Blair? is a slightly surreal satire that is somewhat racier than PorterGirl, but retains the same light-hearted style and tone. Although there will be some more ‘grown-up’ topics involved, we will not be straying too far from the tried-and-tested cheeky narrative of the Secret Diary.

The website is currently under construction and is looking a bit naked. What it needs are some cheery pictures and whatnot. Ideally, pictures depicting the brand new cabinet ministers of the Cambridge Parliament. The ministers are an essential supporting cast to the main characters and I wanted to offer you, my beloved readers, first dibs on a cabinet position, before I start harassing family and friends. All I require from you is a head shot you are happy for me to use on the homepage of the new blog, to which will be attached the character name and brief outline of their position and attributes. All salacious and scandalous behaviour will be restricted to the main cast, so your likeness will not be associated with anything dubious or unpleasant. That’s what I have Paul Butterworth for, after all. Of course, if you want to use your real name and / or be involved in scandals, that is also fine. Although there is no obligation for any further involvement, those keen for small screen stardom may well be invited to shoot some short scenes with us.

If you are interested in becoming a piece of history, send your picture and any preference of name, cabinet position, whatever –  to lucy@verticalrecordings.com and I shall do my very best to accommodate you!

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

So there we have it – the resolution of Footsteps Of The Templar, from both the point of view of our dear Deputy Head Porter and also that of emerging online sensation, Terry the cat. Phew.

I had all but forgotten the details of the Holy Grail adventure, until I compiled all the posts into a complete collection to send to my fellow adventurer and co-writer, the notorious Professor VJ Duke. It wasn’t too bad at all, was it? I particularly liked the puzzles. But then I would say that.

I note that I am once again in the unenviable position of being ‘without Bursar’. This keeps happening and I am not entirely sure why. Okay – I realise that I keep killing them off or, in this instance, trapping them in dungeons (he’s probably dead. But don’t rule out a dramatic return if I run out of ideas). It escapes me as to why – the handful of Bursars I have come across in real life I have liked very much, so why I insist on giving them such gruesome endings is beyond me. Still, I need another Bursar. Any suggestions as to the particulars of the new Bursar shall be gratefully received, but please keep in mind that they probably won’t make it to the end of the series. A bit like Sean Bean really, in every film he has ever been in. Hey – Sean Bean could be the new Bursar… Hmmm…

Me and Terry. We loves you lots. Mwah!

Me and Terry. We loves you lots. Mwah!

In the new series of Secret Diary Of PorterGirl, the reputation of the Old College choir is in jeopardy, a major character meets their soul-mate whilst another becomes the victim of a sustained (yet strangely hilarious) hate campaign. I can’t promise another wedding by the end, but there will be the usual mix of danger, nonsense and mystery to accompany rather uncharacteristic moments of romance and musical interludes.

In the meantime, the immediate future holds for me adventures in galaxies far, far away so please excuse my absence from the blogosphere whilst I attempt to get a tan and in all likelihood get very fat. For those unfortunate enough to be ensnared as one of my Facebook friends – I apologise in advance for the flurry of largely inappropriate photographs that will no doubt grace my profile in the coming days and weeks.

For those that are interested, the book is doing rather nicely and gentle pressure is being applied for me to attend book and literary fairs… in actual person. Eek. If anyone knows of any good ones near them, please do let me know.

It's the book. You can buy it by clicking on it. Go on, you know you want. to.

It’s the book. You can buy it by clicking on it. Go on, you know you want to.

I really need to get a wriggle on with the second book in the series, in fact, which is hopefully going to be released in Spring 2016. Keep those fingers crossed.

In the meantime – keep up the good work, remember to brush your teeth and if you can’t be good – be careful.

Lucy x