Secret Diary Of Terry – The Final Chapter

My lair was indeed alive with the most lavish of preparations for the great celebration of my arrival. People were really making quite the effort – I even saw a lady creature dressed as a princess in a big white dress. For all I knew, an actual princess had decided to take up residence with me. I’m not sure how Onion Flower would feel about that but I am sure she would get used to it in time.

Speaking of Onion Flower, her scent had definitely returned to my new territory. Shouting Whiskey and Cherry Noodle’s, too. She has returned! I imagine she and her friends simply could miss my festivities. The vaguely repugnant creature smells were not the only thing to grace my nostrils, either. My food building was emanating the most fantastic aromas know to cat. This was indeed going to be a wonderful time.

It was whilst idly hunting for Onion Flower that I became somewhat distracted. But what a distraction! I was in the courtyard with an apple tree in it when it caught my eye. Like a fallen star, it nestled in the grime of the gutter, glinting with the remnants of fading hope. A Shiny Thing!

And what a Shiny Thing. It was perfectly round and almost luminous. In its centre was a swirl of colour, like a tiny galaxy dwelling within. Of course, all I could think was that this precious item must be a gift for yours truly. A princess and a Shiny Thing. It almost brought a tear to my eye.

But all was not to be well. Barely moments later, a familiar voice disturbed the moment.

“What have you got there?” came the unmistakable growl of The Master’s Cat. “Get away from it – it is mine!”

“I think you will find that it is very much mine!” I replied with as much indignation as I could muster. Being a cat, that’s quite a lot. “My lair, my Shiny Thing.”

“Foolish boy! This is my lair!”

Was your lair. My lair now.”

The Master’s Cat twitched her tail and rose her flabby hackles. Her hiss was rather vicious, although a little too wet-sounding to be truly chilling. Her cold, green eyes stared through mine and straight into the back of my brain as she extended a defiant paw, reaching for my Shiny Thing. I unleashed my well-practiced and blood-curdling professional hiss, being sure to showcase my fine fangs. The paw did not retreat. In fact, it inched a little closer.

Well, I wasn’t having any of that.

Determined to see the back of this foul fiend for good, I launched my attack. With claws drawn and teeth a-gnashing, my hind quarters unfurled their full kinetic capabilities and I flew at her piggy face, landing a direct hit right across her nose. Wailing like a toddler with a scrapped knee, she turned and fled.

I decided to mount a pursuit, keen to see her off my territory once and for all. She moved with surprising swiftness for such a waddling beast. I tore after her, my ears flattened against my skull and tail rigid with determination. I was barely aware of where I was running, focused entirely on my quarry. She darted into an open doorway and I followed rapidly after.

And how lucky that I did – for she led me straight into the middle of my arrival celebration! The room was full of delighted human creatures, eating and drinking in my honour. Even the princess lady in the big white dress was there and she looked happier than anyone. Marvellous!

The Master’s Cat headed straight towards the huge tables, upon which was laid my own feast. The very nerve of her – first she wants my lair, then my Shiny Thing and now my feast! But her abject terror was evident as she leapt from the tables and straight out of an open window. There was a pause, followed by a low growl and finally, a sort of desperate splash. And then, I heard no more.

Well – even I could not have predicted the extravagance my creatures would go to in order that I might be welcomed to Old College. I was rather taken aback. But I quickly remembered my dignity and hastily began the grooming process, in order to be at my very best for my adoring public.

A minor event – I was briefly reunited with my beloved Onion Flower, but the weightier matter of the Shiny Thing was sitting quite heavily on my mind. I allowed myself a modicum of fuss before politely making my excuses and slipping away. Groomed and feeling very special (it must be said), I returned to find my treasure happily untouched. But I was sure that it would not stay that way for long and decided upon my intent to hide it very carefully.

I experimented with various places of seclusion, an endeavour that took up a good portion of my precious time. But this was an important matter. Eventually, I settled on the cunning ruse of burying the Shiny Thing in one of the few flowerbeds that I had not used for my announcements. Although digging is not a tradition feline activity, I am rather good at it. But just as I was covering over my cherished find, my whiskers detected the unmistakable waft of danger in the air.

Looking up, I saw an evil-smelling elderly gentleman hurtling across the courtyard. He was headed in my general direction and it was most obvious to even a fool that he was after my Shiny Thing! The beast! My suspicions were confirmed when I saw that this creature was being hotly pursued by none other than Onion Flower and Cherry Noodle, evidently intent on putting a stop to this heinous crime. At this point, I deployed the most mysterious and maligned of the feline attributes; an esoteric skill of which even I am not entirely sure of the inward machinations.

With deft nonchalance, I placed myself in the exact position required for tripping the chap, whilst at the same time being in the exact position not to be stepped on. He tumbled with considerable grace into the flowerbed but it was not to detain him for long. He was soon up and running again, my favourite human creatures shouting after him ferociously.

But he left something behind. What it was, I could not tell you, but it had the appearance of a drinking vessel. Its odour I could not distinguish but it spoke to me, in a way – it spoke to me from many, many centuries past. This thing spoke to me of beauty and power, of salvation and of redemption. Although it had a physical form, it was not something of the human realm, I think. Not even the cat realm. Possibly it was something greater even than cat.

How long I gazed at it, I cannot say. Time did not seem to exist in its presence. All I can say is that by the time I thought to get about hiding it (with my Shiny Thing, of course) Onion Flower and her friends had returned. The wicked old fellow was not with them and they all seemed as entranced with the object as I was. Not quite as entranced as they were with me, quite naturally, but they seemed very pleased to see the thing.

Now I had my Shiny Thing and my Onion Flower, there seemed little left to pursue that could make this wonderful day any better. Cherry Noodle had furnished me with a wonderful chin scratch and several pats and even Green Bacon had paid a degree of reverence to my good self. After all the excitement, the only thing I desired now was some peace and a little slumber. Returning to my favourite spot in the organ loft, I soon slipped into a tranquil doze and dreamed the dreams of one very happy kitten who anticipates further great adventures at Old College.

Secret Diary Of Terry – Part Two

My night spent at the lair of Green Bacon was not too awful, although he is a poorly trained creature. The back door was left ajar for me to explore what passes for his outside territory, but I wasn’t much in the mood. There were smells out there I wasn’t all too sure about, to be honest. I passed some time sniffing about his lair and did find three spiders, which was encouraging. Some kippers appeared on a small plate in the kitchen, which I ate. I thought they might be to keep me from starvation until the steak had finished cooking on the stove, but this vanished quite mysteriously. I made a note to put in a formal complaint with Onion Flower.

The upstairs nest which I had chosen for myself was strangely shut away behind a door when I went up to have a snooze. I suspect that Green Bacon had got in there himself, which was very rude. I had to make do with a makeshift nest I found downstairs. It was kind of Green Bacon to wash and iron his clothes in anticipation of my arrival, although the pile needed some degree of rearrangement before it met my needs. Although I slept quite well, I was unable to announce myself first thing as the door to the nest room was still shut tight. Luckily for Green Bacon, I can make quite a racket when I have a mind to and he was soon up and about, getting my breakfast.

This creature was pleasant enough but very simple. His lack of training was endearing at first but I could see that things would soon become problematic. His feet seemed to be everywhere that I needed to be and I barely had time for three brief groomings before he hoiked me outside among the strange smells. This was no good at all. I decided to follow Green Bacon in the hope that he might lead me to Onion Flower.

Carrying out some essential maintenance

Carrying out some essential maintenance

I followed Green Bacon through an unusual and bustling territory, the likes of which I could never have imagined existed. My lair is situated amongst rolling fields and lazy little lanes and I am rarely bothered by the hairless creatures, except for when Onion Flower holds one of her inexplicable gatherings (the noise! Oh goodness…) This territory is teeming with the buggers, swarming like bugs between buildings the size of battleships. They cannot surely be lairs. I dread to think what they are. I certainly would not like to nest in them, that’s for certain.

My brief foray into foreign parts turns out to be very much worth the fleeting vexation. Before too long at all we arrived at a place that reeked of a vaguely familiar aroma. It is the smell that sits lightly on Onion Flower whenever she returns each evening. This must be Old College! And I don’t mind admitting that I found it to be quite remarkable, even by my extraordinary feline standards. The myriad of scents that assaulted my senses were thick with multi-faceted richness; it is not just the variety that excites my nose but the very quality.

But you must realise that smells are just the surface layer of a place, or thing. The basic senses can only tell you the most superficial things about a place, or thing. It is the extra sensory perceptions that a fellow must properly pay attention to. It is a tricky thing to explain to you creatures, although I believe that there are those among you who have a rudimentary grasp of such things. It is when you think with your mind, not your brain and your gut sees things that your heart is blind to. Old College deafened me with its unheard chorus and dazzled my eyes with the unseen. My hackles twitched with something that was neither fear nor malice, rather an ancient thing that spoke from one wise beast to another. When a lair such as this has been around so long, it acquires a vitality all of its own.

Green Bacon scurried off into a hut of little interest to me but at least I knew I was in the right place. I found a quiet spot beneath a strategically placed bush and took a moment to tidy up my tail. I could not quite smell Onion Flower yet but this was definitely her territory. She must be lurking somewhere. It also struck me just then that this is a very fine lair indeed and much more befitting of a cat of my standing. There were many, many creatures here that would no doubt be delighted to serve me.


I decided to locate Onion Flower immediately and inform her that we now had a new lair.

Secret Diary Of Terry – Part One


Good day to you all, creatures. No doubt you all know me as the undisputed hero of everything and also as the owner of the creature who writes this blog. I know she has a name but that does not interest me so much. She smells of onions and flowers so I think of her as Onion Flower. She feeds me well and has a fabulous looking tail, but she keeps it at the back of her head which is very odd. Still. It is not for me to understand such primitive creatures as yourselves, rather to guide you as best I can in your life’s work of serving catkind. But I shall save that for another time.

Quite recently Onion Flower went away somewhere, she did tell me beforehand but I wasn’t really listening. There was something climbing up the wall at the time and it was a lot more interesting that Onion Flower, but quite soon I rather regretted not paying some attention. I saw the travel box being placed in the hallway and I became very wary. Last time I went in there I was taken to a strange smelling place. I did have a nice sleep, however, but when I woke up I discovered that my gentleman’s area had been decommissioned. Quite an embarrassment for any beast, although it is one less thing to worry about, I suppose. I was determined not to be fooled twice.

Regrettably, Onion Flower deployed a plan of the utmost deviousness against which I was quite powerless. She threw my most favourite mouse-rattle right into the box and I was straight in after it without even a thought. I do so hate it when she takes advantage of my natural hunting abilities in such ways. But anyway. Any hopes of receiving replacement kitten-makers were dashed when I was finally released at a place where another creature was lurking.

I recognised the smell of this creature – a powerful aroma of elderly bacon, when it has turned green – he had been to my lair before. I specifically remember him coming over as Onion Flower had made me a shepherd’s pie but for some reason she didn’t seem very happy when I ate it. She is a curious beast.

Green Bacon seemed very pleased to see me and was telling me what a wonderful time we would have together. I was doubtful. A quick sniff around his lair suggested a distinct lack of things to kill and at first it was unclear as to where my sleeping quarters were to be. Of course, I allow Onion Flower to share my nest at home as she needs to be close by in case I need feeding, or letting out or reassurance of my place at the center of the universe. I am not so sure about sharing with Green Bacon. I am rather particular about what I allow in my nest.

Luckily, I soon locate what must be my quarters – a fair-sized room at the top of the stairs with a barely adequate nest. As with any new nest, it is important to place my own scent upon it and experiment with its suitability. I was diligently going about this business when Green Bacon shooed me off quite abruptly. I can only assume this was because he wanted to warm the nest for me first and I decided to forgive this intrusion due to his obviously untrained nature. I pity the poor cat that decides to take him on, I tell you.

When I returned downstairs, Onion Flower had gone. She regularly leaves the lair, of course, but I admit to feeling quite uneasy that she had left me here. For example, I hadn’t been shown the facilities, nor had I been reassured that Green Bacon had received adequate training in chin scratching and tummy rubbing – essential elements of my upkeep, you know. Suddenly, I felt a little uneasy. I debated doing a wee near the television to relieve the tension, but settled on nibbling between my toes instead. It always helps me think.

With impeccably clean paws and, after a time, a tummy full of tuna (well done, Green Bacon) I felt able to consider my predicament somewhat more clearly. I decided that I simply cannot allow my creature to go wandering off willy-nilly. Only one thing for it! I must track down Onion Flower and insist that she return us both back to the lair.