fairer sex

An Encounter With The Master

The rabble that increases steadily behind me from The Great Chapel at once becomes distant and dim when in close proximity to The Master. We are stopped dead in our tracks, faced as we are with his formidable countenance. His steady frame is not bowed by his many accumulated years and the striking elegance of his youth still clings with grim determination to a finely chiselled skull. Exuding a stately air of aristocratic menace, The Master offers us the thinest of smiles.

“My, my, my…” His voice is like molten glass. “Wherever there is a commotion there can be found my dear, darling Porters. Why do you suppose that is so?”

Head Porter glances across wildly but I can offer only a shrug. As the seconds pass it becomes painfully evident that he isn’t going to say anything at all, so it falls to me to tackle the response.

“We were offering our support to the College Choir, Sir,” I reply, dry-lipped. “It seems that your Wife has completed a Herculean task with the jolly chaps and they could be in with a good chance of winning.”

A rictus grin spreads across The Master’s face and he seems to enjoy the moment.

“I rather fear that Wastell may have bested us, however.”

“Haha, that’s dadblamery, don’t you know!” exclaims Professor Duke, somewhat unexpectedly. “I think we won, just because. After all, I can’t see us losing, and if I can’t see us losing, I don’t think we can lose. It’s that sort of thing which makes the world turn, see.”

The Master turns to the Professor and addresses him as if he had only just spotted him.

“Professor Duke! What a surprise. I must say, it delights my cold, dead heart to see a member of The Fellowship so keenly supporting College pursuits.”

Wait – what was that about his heart?

“Cold, dead heart? That’s cool, I have one, too,” the Professor is charm personified and he might just get us out of this unscathed. “But, yes, this is a truth: The Professor loves to support the College in every way possible. Why wouldn’t I, of course? After all, I do work here a bit, bits, and little bits. I’ll even be down on the river soon, cheering on the rowing beasts. Yo.”

“Aha yes – The Dean did mention that you were rather proficient on the River.”

There is an ominous silence that is more uncomfortable than the itchy robes of Hawkins College Choir.

“Anyway!” says Head Porter, suddenly. His voice is a good octave higher than usual. “We’ve seen them do their bit so we must get back to the Lodge and get on with… everything.”

“Actually, Head Porter, I was hoping we might converse briefly. Or… at length.” The Master barely noticeably flexes a fist. “Whichever suits the need.”

Head Porter casts me a look that says please don’t leave me. But he soon regroups his senses and nods in deference, touching the brim of his hat respectfully.

“As you say, Sir.”

The Professor whispers to me –

“We should definitely not abandon our post, double-see.”

“I think you two would be wise to return to your daily activities, whatever they may be.” He must have the hearing of a bat. “No doubt I shall be seeing you both again before so very long.”

I deem it prudent to take the path of least resistance and the Professor seems to agree with me. I give Head Porter what I hope is a sympathetic look before we turn on our heels and head back to Old College.

The excitement of the Choir Competition briefly gave me something of a second wind, but now the effects of all-night shenanigans are taking hold quite firmly. But it is a pleasant afternoon and Professor Duke is in a conversational humour so I try to remain as perky as possible.

“Awesome river skills, huh? That’s a thing. I think I should be proud about that, you know. But what did he mean?”

“I’m not sure, Professor,” I reply, stifling a little yawn. “Maybe he meant that time we saw him and The Dean on the riverbank when we were punting. But why would The Dean talk to him about that, of all things?”

“Well, he was probably so impressed with my punting skills…he couldn’t keep quiet. That’s the thing,” the Professor declares.

“Maybe… hey, it was me that was punting!”

“Was it? I’ve forgotten all about that.”

My sleep-deprived brain struggles to convince me one way or the other as I grope through the murky fug for the memory.

“Now, here’s a thing that scares me,” the Professor’s mind flits enthusiastically to his next thought. “This whole dadblamery between Head Porter and The Master’s Wife. What is it all about? And what a wonder she decided to show many interests in Mr. Head Porter at the exact same time Headmistress arrived on the scene! Dadblamery, I tell you.”

“Head Porter is a fine fellow but he does seem an odd choice for a lady such as The Master’s Wife,” I reply.

“It’s sorta funny he couldn’t find a lady, at first. Now, he’s getting overrun. That’s how it always seems to happen. I think they may crush him like a toad hopping on weak pea gravel.”

“A beautiful analogy, Professor.”

“Why, many thanks. It’s just unfair. But then, females are always unfair. It’s just the way things are. That’s why they’re called the unfairer sex. Oh dadblameit.”

There’s something wrong with that statement somewhere, but I am too exhausted to care. All I can think about right now is finding somewhere quiet to grab forty winks.

Charm Offensive

The Master’s Wife seems enthralled in a fit of pique, although her tightly wound features do not allow it to show upon her face. As I enter the fray, I am caught in the crossfire of two furious pinpricks of quivering rage peeking out from behind the plastic façade.

“Is everything alright?” A stupid question, but I don’t really know how else to begin.

“What? What?” squeals The Master’s Wife. “What sort of thing is that to ask me, young man?”

“Well, I was simply wondering… hang on a minute – ‘young man’?”

“Deputy Head Porter is a woman, ma’am,” says Head Porter, helpfully. Perhaps his knowledge of the fairer sex is more comprehensive than I gave him credit for.

The Master’s Wife is stunned into silence, but sadly only for the briefest of moments.

“Oh, rearrrrly?” her perfect forehead refuses to crinkle in puzzlement. “In that case I should advise you to push your chest out a little more, daarrrrlink. You rearrrly aren’t doing yourself any favours, you know.”

“Yes, go on, Deputy Head Porter,” says Porter, stifling a chuckle. “Make the effort.”

“Your input is as valuable as ever, Porter” I reply, quizzaciously*. “Look, will someone please just explain what the problem is.”

“It would seem that something unfortunate has happened to the new choral robes,” Head Porter explains, panic clearly evident in his eyes. His voice is shaking a little. “Which we know nothing about, obviously.”

“My gorgeous new robes!” The Master’s Wife wails. “They have been mercilessly soiled overnight. A frightful fate for anything of fancy, I’m sure you will agree.”

“I’m sure I wouldn’t know,” I huff.

“No, no, I can’t imaaaagine you know much of things of fancy,” she concedes, rather too sincerely for my liking. “Now, I shall tell you what I intend. That one of you servant-types take them to the drycleaners at once – and not that tatty place on Rosemary Crescent either, it smells so foreign in there – the robes must be immaculate for the dress rehearsal tomorrow night, do you hear?”

“Do my ears deceive me, a dress rehearsal?” Professor Duke has appeared at my elbow, gliding into the conversation as silkily as butter off a hot knife. “I must say, my dear lady, that sounds sorta grand!”

I shoot a questioning look at the Professor, whose sudden gush of charm is notably uncharacteristic. He returns a knowing wink, before turning his mega-watt smile back towards The Master’s Wife.  Her face might be incapable of natural expression, but this is clearly not an affliction shared by Professor Duke. He arranges his features to display a dashing visage, dripping with charisma.

“Now, here’s the thing: your singers must look quite awesome when they do the singing,” the Professor’s voice is like molten honey and seems to be melting the icy barricades of our furious visitor. “So, I understand your concern about the robes and whatnot. You know, just by looking at you, this professor can see that you are a lady of lots of…musical…coolness. Forgive me for being so forward (or backward), but little would delight me more than to see you and your protégés in action.”

A perfect smile breaks across the face of The Master’s Wife and I swear I detect a slight weakening of her slender knees. She flicks a flaxen curl from her shoulder and giggles only very slightly.

“Well, Professor, if you rearrrly are so very interested, you must join us in the Chapel after Evensong tomorrow and my boys and gels will delight you with their vocal range.”

“Capital, I say!” the Professor replies, a clap of his hands accentuating his enthusiasm. “I shall see you then. It’s a date of greatness! Now, if you will excuse me, I have some important lecturing to attend to.”

“I don’t recall you telling me upon what you lecture,” purrs The Master’s Wife, suddenly very interested.

“Well, you know, it really depends on the hour,” says Professor Duke, waving a hand dismissively. “Whatever comes to mind, really. In the meantime, I have no doubt that our lovely Deputy Head Porter will make sure the robes are cleaned up somewhat and all spicy for the rehearsal. Right, DHP?”

I nod and smile, fearing that if I open my mouth something unpleasant might spring forth. The Professor winks at me again before sauntering off towards the cloisters, whistling an unlikely tune. Good work, on his part. The Master’s Wife is onside and we get a ringside seat at the Choir rehearsal tomorrow night. If he was this charming more often he would be rather dangerous.


*Supposedly the least-used word in the English language. I say ‘supposedly’ as I don’t really know, I just read about it on the internet.