Trenton Babbage & The Bacon Smugglers – Part Five

Here we rejoin guest writer Trenton Babbage for the next part of his epic bacon smuggling adventure…

Part Four can be found HERE

muroidal anus about the price of champagne; I can concoct my own insipid libation for free by making bubbles in the bath; nor do I care for your diamonds and pearls and pretty little trinkets, please attach whatever price-tag a healthy conscious would balk at.

But I do care about bacon.

A wise woman once said, ‘I strongly believe that it is through bacon that world peace will finally be achieved’, and I’m inclined to agree; but I also believe that quality bacon should not just be restricted to the elite – they can have gout and like it – it should be available to the masses, and that is what we intend to achieve. We are not interested in supplying the aforementioned quality butchers; they already have quality bacon. We are on a quest to supply the Spars of the world, the Premiers – not the co-ops; they’re bastards – for the bacon in these places is crap; cheap and crap, and we think it should be cheap and excellent. That is all.

I have recently come into possession of some rather interesting documents (real actual paper documents found in a stereotypical wooden chest in a stereotypical wooden attic; anyone who says it was originally written as a blog is a lying poo poo head) detailing the exploits of a young explorer searching for the mythical land of Shangri-La. This in itself is obviously fascinating and worthy of much deliberation and discussion; however, what intrigued me immediately was his mention, in a transcribed radio interview, of a man referred to under various monikers as ‘the map maker’, ‘the crazy canadian cartographer’; an ethereal being by the name of Winter Lent. This man has been recommended to both Perl and me as someone we must visit if we’ve any intention of finding that which is not of the common conscious; something that this young explorer was certainly looking for.


The following is that transcribed radio interview conducted by a person called Sacha Inchi (gender unknown; possibly irrelevant):

SI: Welcome back listeners and thank you for staying with us for what will be a most fascinating interview I’m sure. Today I have great pleasure in introducing to you all, the explorer and Shangri-La expert, Thatch Herringbone.

TH: Thank you for having me.

SI: Thatch’s primary, nay solitary, exploratative purpose is that of the discovery of Shangri-La; it has taken him to such far-flung places as Sheffield, Hampstead Heath, and soon the sight of his latest expedition, Upper Tooting Road, specifically the junction where Moffat Road meets Kellino Street, just down from the Tooting Islamic Centre. But Thatch will give us more details about that in a minute; first let us get to know the man; Thatch, tell us a little bit about yourself.

TH: Thank you again, Sacha, for having me on your show. Well, my name is Thatch Herringbone and I’m a twenty-three year-old explorer living in Lubumbashi, the second largest city in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. A place that as you may or may not know, is steeped in superstition, myth and folklore; undoubted influences on my subsequent infatuation with Shangri-La.

SI: So when did you first have this seed planted within you?

TH: Really as young as I remember I’ve always been fascinated with the notion of a mythical place that could actually exist if people only knew where to look.

SI: As I’ve mentioned, you’ve explored various places but have been unsuccessful in finding Shangri-La. What makes you think that Upper Tooting Road will be any different?

TH: Well, the ‘Crazy Canadian Cartographer’ not to put too fine a point on it!

SI: And who is he?

TH: A man recommended to me as someone I must visit if I’ve any intention of finding that which is not of the common conscious. He provides maps of the soul you could say; a most enlightening experience.

[Here the transcriber got bored, and doodles a picture of a frog.]

SI: That is one of the most fascinating things I think I’ve ever heard. So tell us about your latest venture!

TH: Upper Tooting Road! Yes, I’m extremely confident about this; I am aware of course that I’m standing on the shoulders of giants for this one. The original exploration by the Monty Python team climbing up the north face of the Uxbridge Road was groundbreaking in its discoveries and methodology, and gave a whole new idea as to how to view these places you were aiming to discover.

SI: So tell us a little bit about your plan of action.

TH: We shall be parachuted in to ‘Harringtons’, the pie and mash shop; this is the closest I can get because of the permanent no-fly zone in operation, and of course we’ll probably be a bit peckish. We shall head south east along Selkirk Road until we reach the junction with Upper Tooting Road itself – should I realise that we’ve forgotten anything, I can just nip in to ‘The Travel Shop’ for supplies; I hear they do a fine line in crampons.

Our first camp is intended to be outside ‘Tooting Dental Care’ – we’re still waiting for written permission but the conversations we’ve had have fillinged us with nothing but confidence.

SI: Was that a dentist joke?

TH: ……..No…………… anyway, we’ve no real idea as to the local costs but by the time we reach ‘Tooting Dental Care’ we hope to have a good idea of how much we’ll need to travel the rest of the way, and whether we’ll need to pay VAT on anything in ‘Greggs’ [This gives an idea of the date of this expedition.]. We’d rather not go in to the fiscally volatile bank of ‘Santander’ so we’ll opt for the far more trusted and reliable firm of ‘Habib Bank AG Zürich’ opposite our base on the corner of Upper Tooting and Gatton.

At the end of the second day we aim to arrive at ‘Greggs’ for our evening meal. Our intelligence suggests that this is a relatively quiet and simple stretch of road to navigate and traverse so we may get to pop in to ‘Oxfam’ for a bad lampshade and some pornography on VHS.

The third day should see us reach our goal of the ‘Sajna Hair and Beauty Institute’ where, I believe, we will find Shangri-La, and hopefully enter it. We’d like to have a look at how buoyant the local property market is at ‘Bernard Marcus Estate Agents’ but our head cameraman’s new house has dry rot, which he is suing the Estate Agents through whom he bought it for not telling him, and he’s subsequently developed a mortal hatred of all their kind – we wish to avoid conflict at all costs. We’ll stop for a coffee of course at ‘Coffee Max’ and most probably a bun or two depending on our finances, and should anyone require any drugs, plasters, ointments or pointlessly small nail clippers, then a trip to ‘Barkers Chemists Tooting’ will be forthcoming.

SI: Well that all sounds extremely interesting and exciting; please come back and tell us all about it as soon as you can.

TH: Thank you I will.

SI: And the very best of luck to you.

Now I don’t know about you, but I


  1. I don’t think bacon will lead to peace, but rather to war. In fact, I do believe that England once went… or almost… to war over a wandering pig. I think this happened in… or near… Canada… or maybe Nova Scotia… but it really did happen. Pigs are notoriously unaware of borders, and, if political tensions are already high, and a pig crosses a border to root in another farmer’s field, which happens to be on the sovereign territory of another nation, and that pig is harmed in the protection of that field, well, soldiers might well become overly protective of the pig that strayed from their nation, and shout: “We shall not let harm befall a pig of our soil, unless we ourselves do harm that pig, during the process of preparing it to made into delicious bacon!”… and tempers might run amok, and shots be fired, and war… uh… be begun or narrowly avoided.

    1. Oh i am glad you brought this up Arthur; i was hoping someone would! I believe you are referring to The Pig War of 1859, which actually turned out to be a bloodless affair without a single shot fired – due, in no small part i would conjecture, to the involvement of a pig! As i said in my introduction: “[Bacon has] undoubtedly transformative abilities with regards social harmony and ultimate world peace. As logically follows from this statement, bacon also has the power to divide people and nation states if its distribution is not universal, nor of the highest quality.”; in order for peace, one must prepare for war; it is that very nature of knowing no boundaries that makes the pig such a powerful arbiter of peace, and so very dangerous to those who wish to control it. War is not ideal, but would you proclaim that yours for independence was not worth it? The pig may end up wearing a uniform, but it will harbour a belly full of peace.

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