Month: March 2017

Medieval Rumpy-Pumpy

PorterGirl gets its first ever sex scene!

Don’t worry, we aren’t about to witness Head Porter wearing nothing but his sock suspenders, getting up to mischief with a wayward Bedder. The staff of Old College are notoriously uptight when it comes to matters below the waist. But original Old College keeper of keys, Humphrey Babthorp, proves by way of his secret diary that Porters were not always quite so averse to a little bit of how’s-your-father, in this excerpt from up-coming PorterGirl novel, The Vanishing Lord

(Mum, don’t read this. I’ll only have to explain it to you later anyway.)


12th December 1448

Never didst I think that I would owe so much to the wayward wick of a candlestick maker! Whenst I first did first findeth him in mine bed with mine bedswerver of a lady Lettice – o! Did mine heart break. But sincetimes as the good Maud Carneby from the kitchens led me astray upon the chopping table I tell thee that forsooth I have not been happier. Only this morrow whenst I did visit the kitchens to check upon the catches and latches, I did findeth her in the all-together, sprawled like a prime cut of brisket upon the sideboard with legs a-pointing to the east and west and a clear invitation to make a journey down south. There was much of a-giggling and a-squirming as I took close council with her lady-bacon and her plentiful dumplings did shudder allways in the tumult. They are more than a handful for any man, I tellst thee, but I have two hands and a determined disposition which served me well in such circumstances. Maud is of the demanding type of womenfolk that likes her meat well roasted so I did no more than to place her on my spit like a suckling boar and roast away across the tabletop until her squeals and shouting made sound as such would waketh the dead. Why, it would not surprise me if poor Ralph Eels hisself was woken from the afterlife by her calamitous roarings. I did not stop with the roasting until she was basted good and proper – inside and out! I never did see to the catches and latches and I didst find mineself in need of creative falsehoods when Gunby didst ask me about them. The good Lord doest not look kindly on those that forswear with their tongues but there is truth in the matter that my tongue was put to good use and I didst give other things a seeing to, if not the catches and latches…






Guest author: Lucy Brazier – From Cambridge to Whitehall

In case you missed it, here is a super article by the formidable Sue Vincent…

Sue Vincent's Daily Echo

octpgdhphp2PorterGirl – with actor Paul Butterworth as Head Porter

Like most writers, the written word has been a passion of mine from a very young age. Once I had learnt how to read, I knew that there was nothing else I wanted more than to write stories of my own. I began by crafting childish tales to read to my teddies, who were perhaps my most captive audience yet. When my mother bought me a typewriter one Christmas, I became unstoppable – tapping away fervently every spare moment I had. She used to joke that at least she always knew where I was, the incessant clattering from my bedroom echoing throughout the house in the days long before laptops and computers were common in the home. I soon progressed to writing for my friends, often including them in the absurd adventures I created, influenced by my childhood reading of Enid…

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Bedtime Story, Anyone?

A better click-bait title would have been ‘take me to bed with you’, but it wouldn’t be strictly true and you would be taking The Dean to bed too, which might require a stiff drink beforehand.

In any case, here is a quick video of me reading a chapter from the new PorterGirl novel, The Vanishing Lord.

I shall be at the London Book Fair this week, so online activity will be sporadic, although if you find yourself missing my little face, please feel free to keep up with me on Twitter and Facebook. Obviously this week will be a great opportunity for me to work hard in making important contacts and promoting my work. It is certainly not an excuse to go marauding  around Kensington in nifty waistcoats, drinking wine and singing rude songs. No.

PorterGirl : First Lady Of The Keys available now!