PorterGirl: First Lady Of The Keys


Ladies, gentleman and wee beasties – excellent news! PorterGirl: First Lady Of The Keys is now available for your enjoyment in paperback, as well as ebook format (click above!) Whilst you take a moment to gather yourselves following this thrilling revelation, I shall tell you about a post I have had sitting in my drafts folder for quite sometime. It has the working title of ‘Forgetting The Truth’ and is a very honest missive about what really happened during my brief (yet eventful) time as Deputy Head Porter at one of Cambridge’s foremost Colleges. I am not sure that I ever intend to publish it, but I feel it had to be written nonetheless.

I have always maintained that I would not personally name that illustrious institution (although its identity has been widely revealed on other platforms – the College’s own Wikipedia page, for starters), nor would I betray the finer details of life inside those ancient walls. This is all sounds dreadfully magnanimous and worthy, but is proving something of a stumbling block now that I come to handling the dreaded promotion of the book. I have turned down a couple of TV interviews now, as the focus of both was to fall firmly in the camp of revealing all about the real Old College. Needless to say, the publisher is none too pleased.

Having fallen foul of the press once or twice before (the notorious Putin interview still makes me wince), I am naturally somewhat averse to speaking on the record with scurrilous scribblers and media types. Whilst my prose might make passable reading, in real life I am scatty, verbose and often unintentionally offensive – my internal editor applies almost exclusively to the written word, leaving my conversational manner colourful to say the least.

There is, perhaps, a ruse that might keep everyone happy. I thought that I might develop a sanitised version of my real College days, carefully practiced and light on scandal, to share with the hacks – enough to sound half interesting but not enough to be spun into something potentially lawsuit-inducing. If (and it’s a big ‘if’) I am to share the truth of the matter with the world, I would much prefer it to be by my own pen and with my own intentions made clear. In other words, I will probably be talking a lot of bollocks in the coming weeks and months. (The first person to say ‘no change there, then’ is going right over my knee for a bloody good spanking).

And as for the actual truth? I tell you what – I shall write it all down somewhere suitably sibylline, to be discovered soon after my no doubt dramatic death.

You see? I’m really getting the hang of this writer lark.

(Also buy my book)


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