Month: September 2016

Good Omens

Secret Diary Of PorterGirl

Back in the Lodge, Porter is looking harassed. It is becoming a regular look for him and, as one responsible for his welfare at work, I am sorry for that. But what’s a girl to do? Harassing stuff just keeps happening.

To be fair to the old chap, not only does he have a small gathering of dissatisfied conference delegates crowding around the front desk, but a gaggle of Japanese tourists are photographing his every move. The more he tries to indicate for them to leave the Lodge, the more excitable they become. I see Head Porter in his office getting increasingly irritated by the commotion. He is doing that thing where he rearranges his spectacles at infinitesimally small intervals along the bridge of his nose. Experience tells me that any minute now he will slam down his pen and… There we go!

Head Porter marches out of his office…

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Damage Limitation

When the most valuable painting in Old College goes missing, the first thing to do is make sure that The Dean doesn’t find out…

Secret Diary Of PorterGirl

Whilst Porter has been dispatched to locate the potentially loose-lipped Bedder, I have the dubious pleasure of visiting Head Of Housekeeping. If there is any gossip around College regarding the Lord Layton, it would have reached her ears early doors.

Head Porter has hastily nailed together a cover story to explain the painting’s absence and it is down to me to make sure that word gets about. The most efficient method by which to achieve this is to employ the considerable skills of the Housekeeping Department, who are akin to the College equivalent of carrier pigeon. Like a tabard-wearing Puck, a Bedder can put gossip around the College in forty minutes or under. Sometimes, it even leaks beyond College walls and seeps into the gossip pools of surrounding Colleges. Inter-College gossip is highly prized indeed amongst the Housekeeping alliance of The University.

The Housekeeping offices are perfectly organised bedlam. Stacked…

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The Vanishing Lord

Secret Diary Of PorterGirl

Porter is shuffling nervously beside me, his face the very picture of panic.

“One of the Bedders noticed it this morning, ma’am,” he says “What are we going to do?”

“Who else knows about this?” I ask, not taking my eyes from the scene before me.

“Just me and the Bedder,” replies Porter. “She promised to keep it quiet, but…”

“But, no doubt, half of Housekeeping probably knows about by now.” I shake my head and sigh. “Get Head Porter. He’ll be delighted, I’m sure”

I survey the scene before me but it yields nothing of use at all. This is probably due in part to the fact that what I am actually looking at is, in fact, nothing. Which would be all well and good except that I should be looking at a glorious oil painting depicting Old College’s most famous Master, the great Lord Layton, who presided over…

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