Month: September 2015

Secret Diary Of Terry – Part Four

“Who disturbs my slumber?”

The husky mew of a fellow feline drifted up from beneath an over-stuffed sitting chair in the corner of the room.

“It is I, Terry” I replied, a little puzzled that she did not already know who I was. “Surely you have noticed my announcements?”

An over-stuffed cat of epic proportions languidly sashayed into view. I would like to have said that she was quite a beauty, but that would have been something of an untruth. Indeed, her fur was wonderfully thick like smoked velvet and her big green eyes shone like bedeviled glass. But her snout was rather squashed and her cheeks so fat that they almost swallowed her eyes. A disconcerting swish swish indicated an impatient tail flicking across the floorboards as unsheathed talons caught themselves on the polished wood.

“I do not trouble myself with such things,” she replied, exposing needle-sharp fangs in a gaping yawn. Her coat rippled and bristled as she awakened her massive bulk.

“Right. Well, I am here now and no doubt the creatures will soon be making great preparations for my welcome proper. If you intend to remain in my lair I should inform you that anything above the size of a vole is mine and you will be expected to limit your requests for tummy rubs to occasions when I am asleep.” I thought my terms were more than fair. I did not want my new subjects exhausted by fussing such a porcine puss.

“Your lair? This is my lair.” Lady cat narrowed her eyes and stretched herself to her full length, like a great velour sausage. “I am The Master’s Cat.”

This came as something of a shock. I had heard much talk of The Master’s Cat, of course, from Onion Flower and Green Bacon. I knew it as a vicious beast, fierce and unfriendly. And certainly not a lady.

“You do realise that everyone thinks you are a chap, don’t you?” I retorted, trying to keep my whiskers straight. “And it is no small wonder.  You look like a fluffy pig.”

“How rude you are!” she replied with outraged indignation. “I shall have you know that I am magnificent. All my creatures say so. In any case, I have no gentleman’s equipment to speak of.”

“Well, neither do I these days so that proves nothing.”

“No doubt that is because you are not a gentleman!”

“But at least I am not a pig!” she hissed at me but I was not perturbed. “Listen. I am claiming this lair for myself and Onion Flower. You had best make yourself scarce.”

“… Onion Flower? Oh.” The Master’s Cat was suddenly on the back paw. “You know she is not here, don’t you? She has gone adventuring with Shouting Whiskey and that one in the top hat… Cherry Noodle.” She spoke this name with a great tremble in her voice. I know this Cherry Noodle. He does indeed wear a fine top hat that I plan to leave an announcement in just as soon as I can. He will be delighted, no doubt.

“Do you know when she will return?” I ask, trying not to show my concern. I do hope she will be back.

“They are looking for a thing. I don’t know what it is. But Green Bacon seems to think they will be back very soon indeed.”

Excellent news! I would have just enough time to prepare the lair and ensure that everything smells as it should – namely, of me.

“Good, then” I said to her, nose proudly in the air. “I shall let you share a spot with Cherry Noodle, seeing as you two are both  rumbunctious beasties.”

This suggestion seemed to cause quite some upset. The Master’s Cat made the most hideous noise – like a human singing or some such thing. The mewlings she uttered were not discernible to me, but she leapt – claws a-flash – right towards my very nose…

Secret Diary Of Terry – Part Three

You see, the biggest difference between human creatures and cats is that humans are never satisfied. This is what makes the feline breed a significantly superior species. Whilst you destroy yourselves chasing ambition and greed, we furry gods recline in our smug satisfaction; beautiful, wise and eternal.

Never more did I feel this anomaly of human nature than during my explorings of my new lair, the estimable Old College. It is true that cats view the world very differently from you hairless fellows, for you only see the things allowed by your limited faculties; you see only the things that are there. We can see the things that were, the things that could have been and the things that are yet to come. My investigations of the new lair revealed not only an abundance of excellent hunting and snoozing spots, but also an air thick with the echoes of triumph and disappointment, secrets and lies and ignorance wrapped up to appear as wisdom. It seemed to me that this was a place where humans come to be better. Not better humans, sadly, just better than other humans.

The scent of Onion Flower was faint throughout the lair and I began to think that perhaps she had not been here all that recently. The stench of Green Bacon permeated completely, giving the impression that he was everywhere at once. At the places where his niff was most potent, I added my own scent with the intention of exerting a bit of authority. He is a nice chap but he needs to learn his place. It was about this time I began to feel rather worried. I could detect a hint of another feline in this territory. The marking was not strong, as if she (for the scent of a lady cat is unmistakable) did not maintain regular patrols. A fine territory such as this would require vigorous attention, perhaps she was unwilling or unable? I thought to seek her out and inform her politely of my intention to install myself and Onion Flower at the earliest opportunity.

Seeing as the scent of lady cat was so very vague, I thought it best to place my own, much more potent markings about the place so that people might be aware of my arrival. No doubt they would want to find a fitting way to welcome me and it is only fair to give them the opportunity to make preparations. I buried little piles of my waste material around and about, taking great care to spread it as far and wide as possible. I would have hated for anyone to have missed out on my announcements.

My endeavours completed, I took to higher ground to better survey my new home. I scaled the ancient stone with surprising supinity. I had prepared myself for a little crumbling here and there as I made the walls and window ledges my playground, but not a movement beneath my little paws. The fierce underpinnings of pious pomposity must reach to the very tops of its towers. From up here, the lair looks very beautiful indeed. The courtyards are laid out in neat little squares of green, framed with the delight of bursts of pinks and purples. The cloisters echoed with the sounds of a thousand footsteps, the music of long forgotten laughter and somber laments of fallen tears. My new subjects scurried from place to place with such a sense of purpose that I could not help but think that they must have already noticed my little announcements. Oh yes, this lair would work out just wonderfully for Onion Flower and I.

Up here, the smell of lady cat was much more evident. I followed it to a dear little window that had been kindly left ajar for me and slipped through, testing the air with my whiskers as I went. Inside, the small but opulent quarters seemed smothered with a polish that tickled my nose quite rudely. Almost every surface, from floor to ceiling, was adorned with a heavy dark wood. There were shiny things scattered about but they did not smell of interest to me. In fact, all I could smell at this point was her.

Her thick, velvet fur.

Her claws like polished steel.

Her aura – masquerading as fear, but actually something else… something… vicious?

(Not quite) Live On Air…

Listen again to me on The Eclipse Mix talking… well, nonsense really. And, yes, Putin. It had to happen…

Secret Diary Of PorterGirl

Nothing better to do on a Sunday? Why not tune in to Cam FM 97.2 FM this evening from 9pm UK time and listen to me chat about books, music and all sorts of randomness… maybe even Putin. Again.

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See you there!

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